My want to be perfect is so great it’s hard to put into words. I need every part of myself to be perfect; my hair, my body, my personality, my life. But I’m not and it makes me hate myself so much. I wish I could disappear so no one ever had to look at my disgusting person. When I’m in public it’s like I’m looking at myself from someone else’s point of view, and I can see how absolutely ugly I am. I’m so ugly. I am so fat. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder a while ago, and I feel like it just defines who I am now. An ugly, fat bulimic. I don’t know how I’ll ever be confident in my own skin, or if I ever will be. But I have so much hate for myself and I have for so long I can’t imagine that constant thought not being in my mind. I just wish I didn’t have to worry about this kind of thing. I wish I was born perfect. Actually, I wish I wasn’t born at all, that would be ideal. I wish I could just die right now, I don’t think anyone would really care honestly, I’m too much of a burden as it is. I’m only 19 and I already want my life to end, great.
5 comments
theatlantic.com/science/archive/2018/01/willpower-isnt-the-best-way-to-get-things-done/550766/
Hey! Statistics show that people with eating disorders are 30 times more likely to kill themselves. So let’s fix that first and work on the suicide thing next. I won’t presume to fix your eating disorder, even though I know exactly how it feels (anorexic for 6 years, bulimic for 3 after that, finally beat it this year I hope), but there are some good online support forums where I found strength and tips how to recover. Google mpa for one that helped me through the worst.
As for the struggle for perfection, that’s something I also live with daily. My suggestion is to dive into some creative project, art, music, writing, digital photography, etc, where you have complete control over a world which you can make perfect. It’s the next best thing to being perfect.
You are not alone. I am also 19 and contemplating suicide every single day. I dont even have eating disorder or any problem like that. Just a “normal” “healthy” guy. I dont even think that im ugly, still Im too insecure to talk to girls.
I think what usually helps with my insecurities to talk to guys is becoming really good friends with them first, because then no matter what happens you know that you love each other and won’t stop ya know? Plus, having friends is always a good thing, especially if they can relate to you on persoanl levels.
🙁
I hope you can feel better about yourself somehow.