Internet, Reflections, and Trial and Error

  November 22nd, 2018 by LiquidHuman

I think the internet is causing a lot of problems for me. I have a habit of looking up answers to impossible questions, such as what’s wrong with me, why was I born, what’s the point of going on another day? And I always get the same answers. Life if a gift. Don’t waste it. But I have to wonder if it really is. Maybe it is for some people, but not for me. It’s like when you get something for Christmas from your grandma that you really didn’t want. And you’d feel really guilty about throwing it away because they obviously took the time to choose it out for you. But at the same time, you just end up leaving it on a shelf somewhere, and every now and again you look up at it and wonder “why do I have this?” That’s the basic gist about how I feel. So when people say life is a gift and we should treasure it, I’m just thinking “Well yeah, but I never asked for it.” It’s not my fault I was given something I didn’t want in the first place. Why couldn’t I have signed a damn waiver? Like, before I was born, it’d be nice if God just sat me down and told me “This is all the shit you’re going to put up with in your life. You in?” I think I’d probably say no. And go back to not existing or floating in limbo or whatever.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad these random internet people care enough to try and talk me down from these ledges (even if I don’t think they’re trying to hard to see it from my perspective), but a lot of time their advice just makes me feel at best confused, and at worst extremely guilty. They range from things like get right with God (Honesty, I don’t feel comfortable with asking him for anything these days. Kinda feels like I’m taking out a loan I don’t intend to pay back.), get busy and do something productive (I’ve now got a full schedule in college and I’m the busiest I’ve ever been. Honestly, this might have made my moods worse.), to simply “stop thinking about it so much.” (Because you know, that’s my problem.) Of course, I realize these things probably worked for someone, or else why would they post them, but I’m not entirely sure anymore if there is a “one size fits all” solution. One of the things I’ve learned about having Asperger’s is that we think about things differently, and different things have different meanings to me than with other people, and maybe not everyone else’s experience is the same as yours. So when people tell me what worked for them to pull them out of depression, I feel happy for them but that doesn’t mean I’m going find the same catharsis from their methods.
Of course, as interesting as that hypothesis is, it doesn’t necessarily do me any favors. But I’m going to try to force myself not to look up depressing shit like “who cares if I kill myself” or “what’s the point in living”. Because I’ve heard it all before. And maybe I should stop spending so much time on the internet too. I guess all in all, it’s just a matter of trial and error here.

Processing your request, Please wait....