I want to say goodbye to everyone.
I ordered the rope which will be the noose that ends my life this Thursday.
I cannot live in this skin anymore. I’m not in control of myself and my day-to-day habits. I cannot improve myself in any way, I completely lack self-dicipline and motivation.
Sunday, I realised that there is no way out for me. Here I am, on a course, to study games, the only thing I’m interested in, and I put in 0 effort and neglect to pursue my dreams.
If I look back at the last 26 years, it’s been mostly suffering. There’s little for me to remember fondly. If I don’t do something it will stay that way, and I do not want another 26 years like this.
But I cannot do anything. I cannot because I don’t want to.
I hate the person I am. This disgusting, lazy, repulsive slob of fat that I’ve become. I am of no use to anyone, especially myself. I lack the ability to cause joy to others. I cannot give love to anyone, nobody wants my love, be it friendly or romantic. I am an abhorrent monster that has no place among humans. All I do is suck up money and empathy from you all and I can no longer tolerate this.
I am never going to amount to anything. All I want to do is sit at home, smoke weed and play video games. There’s nothing else that I want to do, and I will neglect real life to an extent that causes me harm, just so I can do this and forget about the world and myself. I tried not smoking and it’s the same, I’m just more aware of my sadness.
I tried seeking help, but there’s no free help anywhere. There are a lot of pretend services that ’listen’ or services that will tell you that everything is okay. I don’t want to be listened to, I don’t want to hear the same old crap. I want to know what is wrong with me!
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! WHY AM I BROKEN? WHY AM I SO WEAK AND APATHETIC?
And when I decided to pay for a therapist it just got me into more debt. Even a professional could only suggest ‘well, write a list maybe?’.
There is no hope for me because I don’t want to get better. This is bizarre and I do not understand it, and I’ve come to accept that I cannot understand it. I am just a fundamentally broken human being.
I know what will happen in the next decades. I will become more and more sad, more fat, ugly, bitter, angry, lonely and stupid. The only thing that was ever good about me, my intellect, is fading away day by day, and I’m no longer anything special. My creative potential is wasted, my imagination is nothing more than a stoners delirium. I’ve spent far too long without nurturing myself, and at this point there is no return. A lifetime of minimum wage Tesco jobs, self-hatred and pity.
I also came to accept that I am the most repulsive man on this planet, and no woman will ever find me attractive or have found me attractive before. I just got lucky with a couple desperate girls, and even that was over 7 years ago.
Whatever hope was left died a year ago when *name censored, I will name her in the real letter* falsly accused me of raping her. I think I died that day and now I’m just following up on it. If a false allegation that doesn’t even go to the police is enough to destroy my livelihood, even when my boss believes she’s lying, then how is it safe to approach any woman? If women can be so tyrannical and suffer no consequences, then striving for a family is futile and will just lead me to even more suffering: I will either go to court for a date gone wrong, an ex grown vengeful or a wife who wants to gut me.
I cannot succeed professionally. I cannot become a father. I am weak, tired, broken and hopeless. There’s no joy in this life and my presence simply makes the world worse.
None of you ever seek me out, which makes perfect sense, I wouldn’t seek myself out either. I came to accept your judgement and enact it upon myself without mercy.
I implore you, do not believe for a second you could have done something to save me. Nobody can help me, only me. But ’me’ doesn’t want to help me. ’Me’ is content with wasting away, but I won’t allow that. I will not suffer any longer. I cannot bear this guilt anymore.
Artax from The Neverending Story didn’t drown in the Swamp of Sadness because he was too heavy or because he stepped wrong. He drowned because he did nothing not to drown.
My life will simply never improve. It can’t, because I won’t do anything for it. I don’t understand this, and nobody could give me the answer. I cannot continue like this.
I wish you all the best things in life. Please forget I ever existed.
10 comments
Seems like you have an extreme shame of what you have become. The weed causes you to pack on pounds. Quit for at least a year and you can lose. But honestly, you’ll lose the weight but have no one at all nonetheless, it won’t even matter if “because I’m thinner I’m magically handsome” still no one will ever love you, For me, I was suicidal before picking up the habit and smoking the weed honestly just gave me something to do, therefore postponing the suicide. The weed delirium is actually the only happiness I’ve ever really felt. Although I still thought very fondly of suicide most every day. The world has changed a lot over the last 6 years and it’s not a place I’d want to live in.. if you’d like to talk more email me at prayforplagues @ protonmail . Com
I’ve always been overweight, the bud didn’t really make a difference.
I’m posting this because it gives me something to engage with until Thursday. The last 4 days of my life will be the longest.
Ya I’ve been a bit overweight too now I’m normal weight on.BMI chart (I was given DUI so I had to walk 1,000 mile all in all only drive to escape abusive household so had to walk then instead but also went vegan because psych medication seroquel/cogentin/abilify – that I had no business ever needing as a 19 year old girl – had me gain 70 pounds in 5-6 months… so I wanted to see if I could feel comfortable in my body again after the pills injured my brain concentration in all aspects and my body and muscle tone so bad… all in all the abuse at home continued and started worse than ever it hadn’t been that bad since I was a 9 year old girl and I was raped about 70 times and then I stopped being able to even leave my bed and I started slamming my head against walls trying to break in my skull because I had no other way to lose consciousness…. but god damn it doesn’t matter one bit you still gonna feel like sh*t til you die die worse or better depending on what type of loco batsh*ts going on around where your located .. I’ve been trying to kill myself for 12 years
I use to enjoy architecture music walking reading classic literature now I can’t bring myself to do anything but chainsmoke
It’s disturbing but the Only reason I stay alive is to let them continue to abuse me over and over
I’ve paid them 6,000$ and been in jail for the last 2 years I don’t know if I already said this but I’ve got about 3 more years
So yeah just saying crazy retarded nasty f*cking b*tches surrounding me I’d actually call it a murder at this point.. ha ha .. but I didn’t say anything shh
But yeah I can tell you I’m not more comfortable in my body cause they r*pe me every chance they get
Eh? No idea why either….
I guess what I really meant was I’ve been trying to commit suicide for 12 years
I don’t believe in ‘trying’ suicide. You either do it or you don’t. A lot of ‘trying to kill myself’ is a cry for help.
For my part, I’ll go into a woodland at 3am and ensure that nobody could possibly save me.
And I’m sorry, but life has taught me to take women’s claim of being raped with a grain of salt. I hope you understand.
I’ve changed my mind and I’ll buy rope from a local store and hang myself today.
Honestly my preferred method is gunshot and I’m trapped in domestic violence LGBT quarrel with the cops I can’t leave this house im trapped in and that is why they “rape” me
I bought a gun once and then the same group of abusers took it away, I say 12 years because I could legally purchase gun until 18, then I didn’t have money for it until 21, then it was taken and now I can’t get another one because I am being followed .. I am trying to kill myself some other way, but there’s random people trying to force me to stay alive..???
All I know is I want to kill my self through bullet in the brain but I can’t go to a regular store because abusers forced me into psych hospital and if I find a mate to sell me a weapon you just never know who you can trust
Oh plus, I was going to drive myself out into between the trees to “paint the forest” but now they have taken my license and I can’t leave this house I am trapped in
I’ve needed to commit suicide since 12 years old, but it’s 12 years later and I’m still rotting in hell
Ha you know usually the people who would sell me the weapons are at least a twenty minute drive away, I’d walk but then I’d have noway to carry the shotgun … a duffel bag? And then how many miles is it to the forest 45??
So… I’m terrified and I’m still alive… I was really intent on shooting myself a few days after I turned 18 but some random *ssholes took it and forced me to suffer.. I’m trying to find another way to commit suicide even though I prefer gunshot through brain stem by at least 90% preference. Either way, I HAVE to get out of here. I tried to get away otherhow but I couldn’t and suicide is my only optiion
“I know what will happen in the next decades. I will become more and more sad, more fat, ugly, bitter, angry, lonely and stupid. The only thing that was ever good about me, my intellect, is fading away day by day, and I’m no longer anything special. My creative potential is wasted, my imagination is nothing more than a stoners delirium.”
Holy sh-t are you me? Ever since my depression kicked off, I’ve gained weight, have become ugly, bitter, angry, lonely, a recluse and stupid. It’s like my intelligence is fading day by day because of all the ugly thoughts rearing in my head and the anxiety caused by day-to-day bullying in social media. I know this is empty for people like us but stay strong brother. I just hope that one day we can find that light and make peace because we truly need it.