You know that moment when you realize that someone you were so close with first becomes someone that you used to know, and then becomes someone that doesn’t want to know you. It starts like that, and then you finally realize that all of your friends and all the people you want to be friends with you met through them. And at that moment you start to realize that all of this was a mistake and they’re so much more important to all of them than you are. And you start to pull away and they start to wonder if you’re angry with them, which of course you aren’t. You’re just scared that you’re going to hurt them the way you did your other friend, and that you’re being selfish by being around them and your friend doesn’t want you around. You also know that if you put your problems on those friends, even if it’s hypothetical, they’ll leave you too. So it’s easier to leave them slowly to protect them than to try to talk to them and have them leave you behind forever. Just like you’ve always been terrified that they will. Because for some reason you deserve it. Because that’s how it works for whatever reason. And because apparently, your best quality is also your biggest flaw; you care more about making someone else even a little bit happier even if it means hurting you.
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Wow I’m feeling exactly like you describe it right now. I was pretty bad so I let people into my shit to help me. Problem is there is no halfway with me : either I keep my mouth shut and pretend to be okay or I go on with hours of self pitying monologs… So basically I really needed someone to stay at my place some nights when I was feeling pretty low and it happened more and more often and I realized I pushed to far, I spent the whole month complaining about anything at anyone and now that things are a bit better I feel so ashamed. So afraid I pushed too far and I m gonna lose them. I successfully convinced myself that the better way for me is to keep my distances from now on. I m so disgusted by myself anyway that I feel very uncomfortable at their side. So I guess I am just going to end up alone again. And though it makes me really sad, somehow I feel relieved. I won’t matter to anyone, I won’t be ridiculous with my desperate attempts to fit in. It will just be me, with nothing to prove to anyone and no other reason to live than the wish to prevent my younger sister to becoming like me. I m just no good with relationships and tired of abusing of people s kindness or being abused by manipulative bastards.