My last shindig

Last night i had a party at my house with a few friends. I tried to get all my coworkers and friends there, and luckily for me most of them showed up. I kept bringing it up and reminding people that it’ll be my last outting. The last time I will really be out or see people. What they didn’t know was i was planning to kill myself after they left.

The party was fun. Lots of drinks and lots of laughter, so when everyone left I originally thought i was just over reacting. Until i tried to actually fall asleep. All i kept thinking bout was my ex wife and my daughter. How i’ll never be able to see them again. Or at least not as much as i want to. Kept thinking about how much happier she was without me, and how well she was doing with everything. I kept thinking about how my daughter is already forgetting me, and that she might be better off without me around. Might as well remove my self from her life before she gets too attached. I kept thinking about how i already lost my car due to financial issues, and how the house i’m trying to rent out while im in Korea is in foreclosure. I lost so much in such a short time, and it’s all because of my own actions.

I recently had gotten prescribed hydrocodone pills for a burn i had not too long ago. I took the rest i had, in hopes i wouldn’t wake up. I’m just done and tired of all of this pressure i have to face alone. It’s suffocating me. I woke up this morning and felt even worse. Like i couldn’t do anything in life right, not even kill myself. I ordered more pills, but they haven’t come in yet. I don’t want to continue. I can’t handle this.