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gloomy

by lostcase

i wish i can just die. like just die and go off. everything is too much to handle not because things are that hard it’s because i’m a coward. i’m just lazy. i eat, i panic then i eat. i want to fucking starve to fucking death but no i’m too lazy for that. i want to cut but i’m too lazy to clean after so i just end up sleeping. just sleeping and sleeping until my life goes away and my parents scream at me for not doing anything useful or helpful. i’m even lazy that i don’t finish my purge. how dumb is that?. started so many shows and movies as distractions but i cant no more. and a big holiday is coming up which means i have to dress up and go visit people and talk and it’s just too damn tiring. too fucking tiring. and i’d have to pretend it’s all fun and smile and make small talks. and they’ll ask about collage and i’ll have to say how nice and all. i fucking know how privileged i am and thats why i should die cuz no one like me deserves that much. i’m just a lazy ass ***** yeah. you dont have to tell me no and that all suffering is valid because in all honesty all suffering isn’t valid. i wish i can fucking take out my brain and smash it into endless pieces. living is for the strong and well i am the weakest of all.

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4 comments

likeastone 5/30/2019 - 11:39 pm

It’s a horrible feeling what you are going through. You can’t decide on what to watch/read because nothing is working, nothing is interesting, and the more you try the worse it gets because the frustration aggregates exponentially? A feeling of intense boredom I’m guessing – I’ve had it too many times myself.

Some things that have helped just in case any of them might possibly help you: Alan Watts audio books (Out of Your Mind) / Eckhart Tolle stuff too, ASMR, learning to stop thinking for even just a second at a time and making a game out of increasing the time, thinking (silly) putty like Crazy Aaron’s for stress and distraction, MBTI, reading the basic outline of Buddhism and it’s view on Suffering (and stopping it)…

Hope you find some relief. Not everyone is a victim, absolutely, but true suffering is suffering. Just because someone is maybe a rich and famous rock star doesn’t mean they aren’t experiencing a suicidal level of misery that no sane person would swap for, homeless or hungry ones included. Don’t sell yourself short

lostcase 6/1/2019 - 10:46 am

thank you very much for the nice suggestions i shall try to listen. it just it’s a closed ending with nothing to satisfy me, the greedy me. i hope you dont go through that it’s a very frustrating cycle of nonsense. i havent lived anything of life yet and i want to die i really feel amazed by survivors honestly. anyways thankss

rocketman 5/31/2019 - 8:36 am

I really don’t know? Sounds like you enjoy being lazy, long as you hold things together why not? Sounds like you like to eat too and sleep? it’s up to you, I do those things too, but I get up and kick it in the ass every now and then, you can do what ever you want, you don’t have to measure up to anyone just yourself.

lostcase 6/1/2019 - 10:48 am

thats the thing. i do these things then i drown in self hatred for doing them. i do get what you mean tho. that im causing this to myself. and it is very true. it sucks nevertheless. i mean whats the point of living if even fucking eating makes me want to hang myself?

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