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It all feels blank most of the time. I am suicidal but i don’t plan or have a plan to kill myself, but the thoughts linger. I’m in the grey area, constantly In the grey area.
I don’t want a future, i don’t want to get a job and i don’t want to get out of bed each morning, i don’t want to brush my hair, i don’t want to eat. eat… eating is something that i haven’t done now for a few days. i have such disgust for my body and the numbers on the scale. i haven’t eaten and my body is so weak, I’m bruising easier and I’m so tired but i can’t sleep, yet i can’t seem to even have food around me anymore.
School is a fucking blur, i can’t focus. so many people expect so much of me and i feel like a failure. i feel like a fucking glitch In the system. and no one understands or gets it they act as if nothing is wrong. people are toxic. we are killing the world as we know it and people are more worried about likes on a social media app. social media really fucks up your mental health you know? i don’t know anymore. This world is so fucking cruel and disgusting i just don’t want to be apart of it anymore. My mum is the only thing that keeps me alive, i love my mum. other than that I’m already dead.
i always try asking myself to describe what it feels like and the best i can do is a Tv with static on, that mind numbing sound echo through my head every second. i want to hurt everyone i see and i don’t know if its just a reflection of myself. I don’t want to be on antidepressants, they’re so fake. like I’m faking happiness i never deserved in the first place. Im so tired of being alone but i push everyone away and hurt them. i try sabotaging everything good in my life.
I’m always so unsure of myself, i don’t know who i am. i feel like I’m falling constantly and that I’m drowning, I’m suffocating.
i don’t see myself making it past 25 and i feel like i can’t talk to anyone anymore about it.
but soon enough my personality will shift and i will forget this feeling for a few hours. i need help but i don’t want help. I’m watching myself turn each day into a disappointment and a failure to everyone. this life was never made for me. This is messy and I’m sorry to anyone reading this, i just had no where else to go

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headupunderdarkcloud 5/6/2019 - 12:11 am

I read it all. You seem a very thoughtful and insightful person. Those are admirable qualities. I’m pretty sour on the whole social media thing too, how it’s facilitating in changing culture worldwide, more detrimental than positive it appears. But I don’t know what to do.. I run and swim I guess and play too much online chess.. Pretty bland I guess but oh well. I feel a lot of people can relate to your feelings of grey.. Thanks for sharing

Cause of Death: Suicide 5/6/2019 - 9:23 am

I don’t need help but I’ve been forced to get help far too many times,surprise! It was no help at all. then the people who forced me to get helped started raping me recently (2014). I don’t want to describe it too disgusting. They’ve now raped me 162 times. I just now started talking about it but they rape me at least once a week. Anyway, my name is Angel. I’ve been trying to kill myself every day since 2007. I’m not looking for friends. I just have time on my hands until I commit. I was supposed to have completed suicide by shotgun to the brain in 2012 but I missed my chance and sadly and for no purpose I am still alive. I am 25, but I wasn’t supposed to stay alive this long. I am not sad that I won’t make it past 25, I’m actually sickened that I didn’t get to kill myself at 18 years old when I was supposed to. I’m scared to try to get another shotgun because last time I was trapped and raped (Jan 2016) just people with nothing better to do you know? The only thing I’ve done since 2007 is oversleep as much as I can and wait for 2012 when I was supposed to kill myself by bullet to the head. I am not sad or angry, I just see no reason to continue living. No one around here would ever be good enough for me to care about and it’s just a waste of time to continue living. I was going to kill myself in 2016 by jumping off a cliff but then I was followed and they took my license… I worked 50 hours a week for 9 months to get it back then they immediately tried to take it again. I do not know why these people are following me. Always very bad looking guys this one actually looked identical to Hitler. I will probably commit soon, but until then I live on this website.

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