Everything’s Okay
I am like a last-born flamingo in a drying out world, with salted legs as rough and heavy as rocks, left behind; alone and lonely. On Earth where people who deserve to live are giving their lives up, suffering; why does someone like me, who doesn’t have any kind of talent and ruins everything she touches is still living. I don’t deserve to live. Why was I even born? There is no reason for me to be here, I have no use in anything: only damage and harm. Well okay, we can’t change the fact that I was born but the real question here is why can’t I die? I want to die, even breathing is hard for me now. Besides I’ve never even been a good friend for anyone, I am sorry that I ruined all of your lives. But don’t worry, I will not be able to cause harm for you nor your life anymore, because I am going. Where? I am going somewhere far far away. At these moments before I leave, I feel more alive and clean than I ever felt in my dull and mentally painful life. I am going to be finally free off of the voices in my head and the pain in my chest. You are going to easily learn how to live without me, and since I am worthless it shouldn’t be very hard for you. Also, I am going to be forgotten after a day, so what could possibly change? I thought that I knew how to live; turns out I didn’t. It’s hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. This isn’t something above and beyond everything, nor a mental complaint. It’s a physical matter as if it’s the hardest thing to open up your mouth and spit out the words. My words, they don’t come out the same “normal” way it would come from a “normal” person, they come out as broken ice chunks that have just gotten out of a freezer. When they gather at the back of your bottom lip, you stumble upon your words. And then, all that you can do is to just stay silent. I am going crazy again, those horrifying moments and memories are knocking on my door one by one but this time I won’t be able to shut the door in their face. I am tired. This time I’m not going to be able to be okay nor I am going to survive. The voices in my head are slowly strengthening, I can’t concentrate anymore. That’s why it feels like this is the best thing to do. I don’t want to hurt anyone, please forget about me. Find yourself a better friend, you deserve someone who is way better than me. I really tried, I really did but this is what I want. I can’t swim anymore, I can’t hold my breath. I am trying but the waves are taking me away bit by bit. And I think that I am going to let the waves take me. I really didn’t want to come to this place, to this situation. Thank you for all the memories. I am sorry that I am a disappointment, I am a total failure. I work so hard for everything but I am just not enough. The times that you made fun of me for your own entertainment purposes gently pushed me off of the edge, ended me smoothly. But it’s okay. I am not going to go all “13 Reasons Why” on you, you are not the ones who are guilty, it’s me, as always. I know that none of you will even cry because I left but even a person sheds a tear because of my death, I would like to apologize for being selfish enough to hurt you. But you need to be aware of the fact that you will be fine after a week because after I leave there isn’t going to be a single difference in your lives. Now you guys are going to talk, I know. You are going to say phrases like “She was weak” or “She did it for attention”; but you’re right I am always wrong, I am always faulty. Even though it’s not going to change the fact that you are going to talk behind my back, I just want to let you know that all I wanted to do was to relieve my pain. Goodbye. With all the love I wasn’t able to give to you when I was alive.
1 comment
I’m writing this hoping that u r still out there . i don’t know what can i do . How can i help . i ve read these words and they went through me like they re my own . i really want to have a conversation with you .
maybe it can create a sparkle of light in these Dark moments .
My E-Mail : yassinebk23@gmail.com