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I will light myself on fire next week

by nohopeever

Going to college has always been my dream but after 1 year I can’t afford it and I refuse to work my ass off in a minimum wage slavery job until the day I die. There is absolutely no happiness in this world without a degree and without the money that comes with it, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to serve stuck up pricks burgers for the rest of my life I REFUSE!
The financial aid office offers no help to independent students and my drunk deadbeat dad cannot cosign a single loan for me, and I have no biological mother in the picture. I got rejected for every student loan I applied for on the basis of having no cosigner. Donald Trump ended the Perkins and other federal loan programs that I would have qualified for here. everything just keeps going wrong and my dream is dead in the water before I can even begin year two. I’ve applied to over 200 scholarships and gotten 0. I’ve even started a go fund me because I’m desperate. I’m out of options.
So I made a deal with myself.
I self-harmed for the first time in 3 years last night by burning my arms with a torch last night.
I 100% will take my own life If I have to drop out of school. There is no way around it that my entire life is ruined without college. bottom fucking line. With that being said I plan to dump a canister of gasoline on my head on our common lawn at school and light a match. Hopefully, then somebody will fucking change something.

Regardless of if they do or don’t the pain will finally be over for me. Can’t come soon enough.

12 comments
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12 comments

Hope Dream Love 8/22/2019 - 3:04 pm

Maybe I’m missing something. Isn’t the point of a degree so you can get a better job. The minimum wage job should only be until you graduate and start on whatever your degree is for. Or people are making millions on YouTube. There’s a lot of different option though.
Not you but I know a lot of people who get a shitty minimum wage job and then ***** about it. The point of life is to try to move a head not stop and complain when you aren’t even trying. Again not you just a bunch of people I know. Just venting about them please don’t take offense lol

nohopeever 8/22/2019 - 3:13 pm

Yes, the point of a degree is to get a better job. But I cannot afford the degree and have to drop out of uni because of it.
I’ve done nothing but try and live since my last suicide attempt banking on being able to have a career in my passions and a life away from my shitty unsupportive family. After 1 year at University, I have to drop out due to the costs. So I cannot get that degree and end up being trapped in a minimum wage cesspool. To even suggest that when I’ve been working every single goddamned day this summer that I am “not trying” and am just complaining is ludicrous and insulting.

Hope Dream Love 8/22/2019 - 3:30 pm

I never said you weren’t trying. I specifically stated not you
umm…i don’t know what you were working towards but….mmm….how to word it….ill just jump into what I want to say I guess…
I’ve never gone to anything. In fact I got kicked out of school at the beginning of grade 11. I could get a ged and I most likely will but my dream job will be well on it’s way by that point. At least starting out. I’m going to be opening a bakery. With nothing but what I taught myself. I know in certain fields you have to have education but I don’t see why you can’t try to find a way around your mountain. (I use this reference based on a three days grace song. The mountain.) If everyone just gave up on there dreams and said fuck it I might as well die now, we wouldn’t have anything. We would still be cavemen living under rocks. I honestly believe that if you sit and think about it you can find an alternate path. Sure it might be a bit more work but the satisfaction when you get there will be astounding. I believe you can do it. 🙂
Trust me I get life can be hell. I’ve got a mood disorder where 90% of the time if someone handed me a gun I’d use it with my “good days” being nothing more than a major annoyance because I’m clearly unstable.
I’m just trying to help. And show you that I understand. I’m sorry if it’s coming off wrong 🙁

spreject 8/22/2019 - 3:23 pm

Seems a bit drastic. Lots of people who have a degree are poo-pooing them and basically saying they’re worthless in the modern world. I disagree, but you don’t have to work minimum wage if you don’t have a degree. You can start your own business. Or rise through the ranks. If you’re smart enough to go to college, you’re smart enough to do that.

You sound super depressed. And you sound like you’re seeing things very much in black and white and very confident about your predictions. But the future can surprise you.

Try to predict tomorrow. Try that a few days in a row. I promise you you can’t do it.

Hope Dream Love 8/22/2019 - 3:34 pm

Oh that’s another good point. Yes minimum wage sucks but….take my job for example. I deliver papers and if there isn’t anyone to deliver them there is no paper. And its like that for any job. Even of it sucks you’re still really important 🙂

spreject 8/22/2019 - 5:14 pm

Totally. That is cool! That’s quality time for people, reading the paper.

shatterediris 8/22/2019 - 8:29 pm

The problem with minimum wage jobs is not that they aren’t filling an important role, it’s that the people actually filling vital roles in our society are being treated so poorly for doing so.

Hope Dream Love 8/22/2019 - 8:40 pm

Well that depends who you work for. I know where I work they do everything they can to fuck you over and I’m pretty sure some of it is illegal. Example paying us (random numbers) .10 cents a paper but if we need someone to cover our route we have to pay back .25 cents. And then the people that know me wonder why I don’t “take a day off it would be good for me” before or after I’m bankrupt and living in a box. Thats just one thing. I haven’t even started on the fact that they are making it so we need bigger vehicals but not paying us more so we can buy them transfer them register them pay for its gas. Or working longer hours so we need money for food. Lack of sleep. Bundles of papers that are over the legal weight limit.
Trust me I know they fuck people over I was just trying to point out the bright side of things because it seems the dark side was pretty well taken care of.

thehusk 8/22/2019 - 5:18 pm

That sounds like a really horrible way to die. I understand the desire to make a statement, but when it’s actually happening my guess is you won’t much care about that anymore, even if you’re somewhat used to the pain of burns. Unless you’re a Buddhist monk, you’ll just desperately want the experience to stop, like pretty much everyone else who’s ever burned alive. And there’s no guarantee it’ll even finish you off. What if you end up stuck in a hospital with third degree burns all over your body? You think you’re in pain now…

shatterediris 8/22/2019 - 8:31 pm

I would much prefer that you don’t do this…. But I do agree that life sucks, and school is far too expensive. Have you considered trying like a community college instead? Trades also can be a lot cheaper to get into, but you also may have a very specific interest. I’m sorry.
I hope that with whatever you do decide to do that it goes well for you.

Soda 8/24/2019 - 4:50 pm

Yes unfortunately there are no social programs in the US for students. Here in Canada we get student loans and that’s how I got myself through university.

A degree does make a difference but it is not the be-all, end-all for getting a good job. I know a relative, he’s not that bright but had a lot of help from his dad. He did some computer diploma and is now making really good money, in a year or so he’ll be making 6 figures.

It’s because he put himself in a career that is in high demand but few people are interested in. There are many people who have done well for themselves without a degree.

Conversely there are others (like me) who’ve gotten degrees and didn’t go far for many reasons and not from a lack of trying.

So what I’m saying is don’t get fixated on the idea that you must have a degree. Also bro why not take one or two years off, work save up your money and then you’re set. It’s true you don’t have the advantages that some people do but you can still work like I was saying and reach your goal.

Life isn’t fair-trust me I could write a damn book about it. I had many golden opportunities slip through my fingers and often time I was my own worst enemy. I had low self-esteem, partly due to my own self-hate and reading into negative feedback.

If I was a little smarter and more humble, I would’ve realized (when I was younger) that I’m getting amazing opportunities with girls and career and I should jump at every chance I got. Instead I was sulking in my own misery.

Now unfortunately I’m in my 40s and still struggling to get somewhere. If anyone has good reason to end their life it’d be me, but I keep going for family and for the hope that my life will get better.

As for suicide, the last idea you should consider is self-immolation. It’ll be extremely painful, chances are it won’t kill you and most likely you’ll be in the hospital for years in agonizing pain and be disfigured for the rest of your life. Do some research before making rash decisions. We can’t discuss methods but I can guarantee you there are easier, faster and less painful ways to go.

Cause of Death: Suicide 8/25/2019 - 11:41 pm

I’ve never wanted to get a degree OR work flipping burgers, lol, the only thing I ever wanted and planned was to kill myself by shotgun to head when I turned 18, then you can avoid the rat race altogether!!

I’ve been trying to kill myself since like 10 years old though, lol. Shotgun is the only method I think I can stand because I can’t tolerate pain and you die immediately.

But I was very frustrated one day because since I was supposed to die by shotgun to the head on the very day I turned 18 – I was around 20 and still working every day trying to be able to commit suicide somehow, someway .. I bought a gas tank and was going to try to light myself on fire. I only had like ten bucks and the only reason I hadn’t killed myself by shotgun yet was because shotguns cost 300$ .. I never got around to lighting myself on fire though because then I started thinking of other methods like hanging or overdose and I just wanted to do it the right way and not die in pain

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