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Can’t Talk About Suicidal Thoughts

by DogCat

I constantly think about dying – fantasizing. I am 42, and it has been this way as long as I can remember.

I have a daughter and a loving husband. I would never try to kill myself again – not right now. I have said I will revisit the issue when I am 50.

I stay for them, not for myself. My daughter’s dad is selfish and hardly talks to her anymore. He has his own drama filled life. She is only 17.

My husband is kind and understanding. He had a hard time with long-term relationships until we met – nice guy syndrome, I guess.

I can’t leave them, and I won’t. That is why I told myself we will see at 50. We will see how things are then.

I was in counseling for a while and saw a psych. This is something you can’t talk about with them. The constant feeling of wishing it could just be over. If you do, you risk getting put in a psych ward for a week. I can’t afford that and neither can my family.

I was on The Suicide Project boards a few years ago when I thought I couldn’t hold on any longer. I figured I would come back. At least here, I can express my feelings without worrying about being sent to a hospital.

Sorry, I didn’t remember my log in from then.

 

 

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3 comments

Teresa's Child 10/15/2019 - 7:21 pm

You’re not Hazy Day Sunflower by chance, are you?

Yeah, you can’t talk about much at all with a psych. Is there a reason for wanting to die, or just the allure of death in general?

DogCat 10/23/2019 - 6:29 pm

No, I don’t think that was my name then. I think I would remember that..lol. I’ve just always wanted to not be here. I feel everything is a struggle and nothing goes right. I guess I’m just tired. I’m always tired. I’ve been diagnosed with dysthymia with bouts of major depressive disorder. There are more downs than ups, and I am just ready to move on to whatever is next – even if it is nothing.

DogCat 10/23/2019 - 6:57 pm

I actually found myself. I was v.c.333 – I have no idea what that name means, or how I thought of it. lmao

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