No matter what the occasion. I looked for cup holders i didnt find any, stop being a little *****. I want to do the dishes you should stop being a ***** or i wont keep giving you passes before i fuck you up. If i help clwan when i know shes stressed she will find a way to lash out at me. If i buy the groceries cover the bills and work 3 jobs im still a *****. What will it take for me to not be a ***** anymore?
What is it i can do that stops the slur of insults to my person and never ends the question….what will i have to do to get her to LIKe me? Why doesnt my mother like me. Its no wonder i dont like me
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37 comments
I can relate to this so much….. except my mother resorted to physical fighting in the end sometimes. I’ve realized I’m not the problem. they are the problem. so I started telling her, “back atcha” “you’re the problem, I’m not” and its like it worked. but we don’t have a mother daughter connection anymore. and when we do fight its always “if you’re not happy then leave and go be homeless” like ok mom, Im not the problem, and I’m also not dumb so no thanks. if the problem gets to stay then so do i. after all, I didn’t ask to be born.
At my narcissist abuse group therapy meetings we have phrase we say to one another sometimes: “It’s them, not you”. Also, I just googled and read a new to me tactic for dealing with the narcs called Grey Rock Strategy. Fortunately I don’t need it for now but it looks it could come in quite handy for those narc relationships where no contact isn’t feasible.
I didn’t ask to be born either. In fact, I would not wish it on any one. Life is a hit and miss prospect for people. I hear about 1 out 5 have a mental issue and I observe about half spend a lot of time bearing one pain after another.
Same here as both of you.
To the poster: your mother has a problem, herself. It may be extremely difficult to please her, and even if you do, after few days it will all be forgotten. The next time you do something she does not like, she will call you names, belittle you… Whatever it takes.
Do not expect to be liked by her. You don’t need it. Not at that extent. Her opinion and her likes may just as well be worthless, in fact; like any other mother, father, relative, friend or people in general.
Try to get away as soon as possible from that situation. It is toxic to you, it is making you feel you are less than what you are. And it will impact you in the long-term and keep mining your self-esteem and your mental health.
If you can get your own room or flat, go for it.
If she needs help then you can always be around and sometimes get her the help she needs. If she is bored or stressed, she can take on some object, not a living being.
Since university I don’t live at home and I am still suffering a lot of the consequences of such terrible parenting. When it is holidays, not my brother neither me can live under the same roof with her during more than two weeks in a row. We almost do not talk for a year now and even with all the issues, that is a healthier choice for the self-esteem.
I relate. Never ever could I please my mother. It was not in her to be pleased with me. Nor did she like me. She did not because she could not. She did not love me, or anyone else, because it was not in her. Now after living in the shadow of that contempt, dislike, disregard, and at best indifference for some 60 years I learn that she exhibited the traits of narcissism.
Exactly, a1957. Funnily enough, I found out the exact diagnosis when reading some analysis of a psychiatrist about the latest Joker movie (it is the mother’s diagnosis).
It’s all about her. Not that it makes her a “bad” person, but nevertheless a real toxic environment. She can’t be pleased but looks for it. Others will to please her, but cannot. It all ends up in frustration.
Sorry to hear that you found out so late. I am near my mid 30’s and noticed how much of my life I wasted waiting for her (and others figures of authority to me) for approval. I will still be around for her if she needs help, but not at the cost of my health.
i always just kinda brushed insults off my shoulder. like yeah ok whats your point? but why would i care. i treat others the way they treat me so if they started it….however i went off topic a little bit. i also know that hearing it from someone you look up too emotionally kills. ive been there too. although what hurt me the most was the silent side of my stepfather. i would literally work my ass off. ok…heres a story that sums up both sides of it. (if you want to skip the stories just go to the end. they went a bit longer then i planned and basically all im saying is parents suck)
i have a back condition where things arent lined up and nerves are getting pinched and we found it when i was 13. (i mention this because this story takes place when i was like 14-15) i couldnt participate in gym class (to give you a rough idea how bad it is) i would be outside in the summer hauling wood. if my doctor said i cant participate in gym class no way in hell should i be hauling wood. but i went out at 7am and started cutting and piling. id go in around lunchtime, 12-1. i went in because i was sunburnt and i was starting to get a headache. basically if i stayed out any longer i could have gotten heat stroke. that on top of my back (which thankfully i went back to the docs a while ago and he said i was doing fine and he cant see it ever getting worse now that im an adult and growing bones and stuff) anyway now were at the main point of my story which stretched out bit longer than i planned, sorry. i never heard a single word from my stepfather. (which reminds me of another story that is really quick after this) and my mother said i was lazy. cuz yeah almost getting heat stroke and risking that i could be paralyzed is lazy. but i ignored her i never had much in the way of respect for her.
quickly the other story though i couldnt even coax praise out of that asshole. one winter we were outside shoveling snow. at this point it had occurred to me that hes never said anything nice to me. so i stopped and said “youre doing a good job” “uh huh” “am i doing a good job” i dont remember his exact answer but i might as well have not been there because it was like a yeah whatever answer….and my heart sunk that day and i think it might still be down there somewhere but its slowly working its way back lol.
anyway yes you are definitely in a toxic home and you should leave when you can. i have cut off all ties between me and my parents actually i told them if they ever talked to me again im calling the cops. and i will. i dont care if they come to me to say sorry with whatever peace offering they can think of. that doesnt change what they did and the place i am currently in. i wont lie….not having parents sucks on occasion. especially if youre like me and have 2 sets of parents but still dont technically have any. but in the long run its definitely better emotionally and mentally. i have the occasional moment where i miss them but that passes after a bit.
It’ll Be Ok: You cut off all ties with the parental units. Good move. At my narcissist abuse group therapy meetings we call that “no contact”. I don’t know (could not know) where your parental units lie on the narcissistic spectrum but not getting a speck of praise from that asshole and a shit ton of abuse from the units certainly are the red flags we look for and think about.
I once told my mother, ” I know you loved me”. I knew I was lying but I knew it was the closest I would ever come to hearing it from her. Her answer was both subtle and cutting, ” More than you will ever know.” Yeah sure. Like I could not know. Like somehow I was at fault for not detecting something that she had not the slightest of.
They left me in front of Wal-Mart at 6am when I was 16 because they basically kicked me out and then they tried to buy me back with a car. Yeah I don’t need them.
Buy you back? Yeah, I bet that felt really good (not!). These people positively don’t care about you. They care only what the relationship with you looks like to others, if or when they care at all. It is all about them.
One reason for handing you a car would have been to show others how “generous” they are towards you. And if you had accepted it, but the title and registration stayed in their name, it would have been another opportunity to control you and manipulate you as well. Oh how “generous” is that?
One person in my narc group related that her asshole ex writes each of their children a $20K check each year. One of her kids has already figured out it isn’t a gift, it’s a payment. People in this group are familiar with major assholes.
I’m not sure id call them narcissistic. I think I basically chalked it up to I wasn’t his. So when my little brother was born (literally a month after their wedding) I got tossed aside. It wasn’t until around this time that things went down hill. And years after that when I found out she was going to abort me or adopt me out. And failing that she left me home to starve so she could go fuck……(really angry face)…….(exhale)…..i think you get the idea. The government was gonna take me but my bestest grampy ever stepped in and said he’ll take care of me 😀 ……..then she fucked off to another province when I was 2…splendid. literally went missing. No one knew where either of us where until years later. (Like 2 or 3 years but soooo not the point) ok…maybe narcissistic lol
I am sorry all that happened to you. What a fuck job all that was. I mean that is totally no way for a child to be treated. Trauma, trauma, trauma, and then more trauma. No wonder you got the fuck out of their lives. Good chance of narc but lets not forget sociopath. Look I know these labels don’t fix anything but they do let you know, or keep reassuring you, it was them, not you, that did the hideous wrong doing.
You seem to care to at least a small degree about how all this effects me. Or am I wrong? Anyway what I’ve told you in comments is nothing in comparison to some other things that has happened…
You are not wrong.
The tip of the iceberg is about all we can usually talk about.
Ok. If I’m not wrong then why do you care? I’m nothing more than a stranger.
That is a good question. For most of my 62 years I would have been utterly unable to care. From about age 10 to say age 59 stories of abuses like yours would have triggered a ton of pain in me but no I would not have cared about whoever was telling that story. Then about three years ago ish I started to care. Therapy had a lot to do with that. But still I just could not express that care in any but the most clumsy fashion until about maybe a month ago. I give credit to this ability (such as it is) to starting group therapy about three months ago.
But why a stranger? Well, you and others on here have a background plus a style of expression that I can wrap my head around and whatever we think it is that makes somebody care kicks in these days.
Even though few of us will ever see or hear each other on here, we know that behind every keyboard is a real person with a real past and real feelings.
I hope that answer was helpful in some way. I am typing on my mobile and editing is a little harder on this than my laptop so I hope this message comes across intact.
yeah thats why i typically save big comments for my laptop lol.
ok all of that made sense but why me? i see you comment to others but i seem to be the only one you keep talking to. is it just because others dont keep the conversation going?
Can’t say for the other poster, but… I typically exchange perspectives, suggestions or knowledge with a small amount of people at a time if I find something specially sensible about them. Specially when it is to handle something negative that had or has impact on one’s (theirs, mine) life.
At some points I found myself a bit like a “sorrow vampire”; as if I was Marla Singer from the Fight Club, trying to improve her well-being by observing miserable experiences. However, she just looked from a side, didn’t participate or care. Listening to others allow you to put things in perspective, to try to be less self-focused on personal issues (which may not be that bad when compared to others). Also, participating allows maybe to think better or less bad about oneself by considering they acted as the good Samaritan and helped someone else; maybe in some cases prevented something that they would rather avoid others to experience. And it also gives some peace when someone replies, when it is sometimes difficult to get minimally close to someone else regarding more problematic experiences that people commonly avoid to talk about.
So, to your question: why not everyone? Well, first of all: yes, is not a broad selection since i) a minimum amount of sensitiveness, caring and not judging is not that common, ii) even if so, not everyone would be open or willing to talk about such sensitive things (even if anonymous). And yes, also iii) there has to be also some minimum empathy and complicity. Not all experiences do trigger on a person the same degree or empathy (and interest and curiosity) towards others, nor does their personality or way of expressing themselves get to enough complicity to discuss or continue discussing potentially profound and sensible stuff.
In my particular case, I think I bond better with bad experiences, as if mildly happy ones were not “serious enough” or “silly” to ever remember or care. Yup, that is the result of focusing more on the negative side of things: these tend to have more value.
Whichever the case, it’s been interesting so far to me to read your experience and contrast with mine. Thanks for posting.
It’ll Be Ok: “… but i seem to be the only one you keep talking to. is it just because others dont keep the conversation going?” I like to think it is that some combinations of people mesh well in conversation.
One thing I noticed in your story today is what the therapists call emotional abandonment. In your case, emotional abandonment by the parental units . I have a question for you, if that’s ok. Given that you have been in a ton of pain and at times have wished (I presume) that you were not still on the earth, do you ever get angry that something inside you pushes you stay alive?
no, actually i would love to stay alive, its like i was telling my friend last night. i would miss out on so much.
It’ll Be Ok: oooh, the car story… I know no one cares, but maybe someone relates or find it somewhat funny. When I was 14 or maybe 16 she forced me to get out when we were coming back from visiting my grandmother. It was a stupid dispute because I was commenting something about helping her mother ourselves by painting her house or doing some work and I remember it was like she felt she was not in control or maybe embarrassed because she always though of herself as the perfect daughter. Long story short, I had to call a relative to come fetch me, since I had no idea on how to get back.
Years before she had done the same to my elder brother, even though he’s his favourite. I will always remember how everyone in that car but her felt so embarrassed.
Bonus track: at ~4, when my parents were divorcing, my parent (he has his own issues as well) said he wanted to take me, and since she wanted the custody, she sent me with a suitcase to him. After the weekend we spent together he (allegedly, based on her story) left me in the entrance of my mother’s house, rang the doorbell and left in his car. She got the custody, he got some peace; I guess. None of us talk to each other.
You did so well cutting all bonds with your your parents. Even if you miss them at some point.
Ok 1) I care. 2) not funny. A lot of things could have happened while you waited for another drive. Also as far as the last story is concerned mine is something sorta like. She hasn’t even told me about my biological father yet and I even questioned her on it because when there’s 5 people and you’re the only one with green eyes you’re gonna sit there scratching your head because genetics and something is wrong here lol. But she didnt tell me. My stepfather tried to tell me when I asked but she just smucked his shoulder and said “don’t tell her that” which did anything but help. Turned out she didn’t even tell him she was in the hospital and a friend had to tell him and then once he got there she basically told him to fuck off.
Thanks a lot for reading and commenting. Even if not funny (oh, well) it’s the way she is — can’t be helped. And I am already old enough not to endure anymore her “get out of this house if you don’t like it”, nor her belittling of anyone that ever cared about her. Fortunately, for the car scene, fortunately it was not likely that something could have happened to me — I live in one of the safest countries anyway.
I do not imagine what it is like to not knowing who your father is. If it is to some comfort (which I doubt), I knew mine from the beginning, and the most remarkable memory is him trying to burst the door of the room to fetch me from my mother, who was covering me, and my cousin was holding the door. Wouldn’t mind not knowing him at all. Of course, your case is different, since you say your father actually wanted to go to the hospital and most probably cared about your mother and you. Do you know why she cut ties with him? Or where she lived by that time? (You mentioned that after a while she moved to another province, it could not be the first time). Maybe you can ask your stepfather in private… If you think you will do in the future, given that you have disconnected completely from them. If you do so, maybe that day could be a special occasion and you could make someone, or both, to drink enough to be more open to questions. It’s probably not feasible or plainly stupid, since you are not likely to meet them anymore or any time soon. But oh well; if done, some might eventually work.
You deserve to know who your father is (providing he wants his identity to be revealed). Even if knowing probably does not matter that much — your personality is not that influenced by him, given the zero exposure you two had; if at all I guess it is about curiosity and the possible genetic inheritance for specific diseases or conditions.
I am not sure I got the full picture. It seems that your grandfather took care of you after that excelling care from your mother (I would rather avoid to put it in proper words here, so allow me the sarcasm for just that sentence). That said, at least you grew outside that terrible influence. But you also mention your stepfather, and his inability to acknowledge any accomplishment from your side. Did you grow up with both of them, or you did during some years after that? I guess some are just questions to feel less bad about it, but are you far away from that environment for the foreseeable future?
Didnt help anything*
idk why but my comment is going straight to the trash. i wonder if this one will go there too.
Oh no, it definitely went to the trash. But I found it using my drunk pr0wers!
The names you call your mother are why. Thinking himself clever someone used to spam those types of remarks.
If you knew her you’d understand why and not blame me.
I don’t think anyone’s blaming you – he’s simply explaining why your comments wound up on the wrong side of the filter.
I didn’t mean he blamed me in a bad way…just like in general
Didn’t get to read your last comment. Hopefully you had some draft elsewhere (there are some text editors that are perfect for these temporary texts. Anyway, I assumed that any possible “blasphemy” is directly censored/filtered with the asterisks, and the text just goes through…
i think i fixed it….
i know everything. well i know a lot. theres a few things only the b**** can answer so ill probably never know those and even if she did end up telling me i most likely wouldnt believe her so it doesnt matter.
Do you know why she cut ties with him?
because shes a narcissistic c***? ok that one i dont know but again shes the only one that could answer it.
Or where she lived by that time
yeah. i know the name of the hospital i was born and everything. i went up there to visit family every summer.
Did you grow up with both of them, or you did during some years after that
ok heres a rough timeline. when i was 1 the government tried to take me but grampy stopped working because he loved me and didnt want me to go. when i was 2 my mother took off with me and no one knew where we were. and i dont know exactly when my stepfather came into the picture but it would have been when i was 3 or 4 because i started school when i was 5 and all the moving and everything had settled down then so as far as constant memories are concerned yes i grew up with him because i only have very few memories before that. like maybe 2 or 3. does that clear it up?
also im a little confused by your last question, am i far away from what environment?
Yes, I think the timeline does clarify ?. Summing up, I wanted to know the extent of the damage provoked by her actions: if you grew up away from her (from that environment), at least so that you could build a more resilient set of emotions, emotional defense or whatever that is called. Well, that is my theory at least: if you remove the tumorous cells soon enough, the rest will have higher chances to survive and do not replicate the illness.
The question came because in some of your comments I got the impression you were not that affected by insults and treat others in a quid-pro-quo fashion but at the same time you had looked for approval of your parents. I guess that surprised me because both things came more or less as a pack to me (to please some relatives and known people and not to be insulted by them). I know these are not opposed per se. Comparing perspectives and stitching your story…
she has done a lot of damage but it was a lot more people then just her. as far as shes concerned though im an understanding person and if she had of just talked to me and explained things i would have worked with her and what she did wouldnt have effected me as much, but apparently honesty isnt in her dictionary.
insults dont effect me. please call me a b****. prove youre childish and have nothing better to do with your time. but if youre going to dish it out you better make sure you can also take it. what hurts me is when someone i trusted and loved does it. and then its not what was said but who it came from that hurt.
You mentioned her lack of honesty. I agree with that — and I think it’s not just lack of honesty towards others but to themselves as well. We all live in our specific lies (or “conception/model of the world”) and people like them construct a stricter idea/model of what surrounds them where they invest more effort in believing they are not accountable for anything and where others are not entitled to explanations on what’s going on.
Thus, why explaining their behavior or feelings to others? Maybe because, if they would open to at least their significant ones, and positions were discussed and thoughts were challenged, their model of the world would crumble. So that leaves us just guessing what they are really thinking, what do they expect, what they will do next. Rarely to discuss any of these with them.
To Nagatovspain: I related to your post the very first time I read it. I have reread it several times since. There is just something inherently wrong with a mother calling her daughter (right?) b*tch. We all know this.
Then, just this week, I heard something brought up in group therapy (for survivors of narcissistic abusers) that looks to tie in quite closely with your story. What we learned was that one of the traits of a narcissistic parent is that they often view a same sex child as a competitor. Because they often view a same sex child as a competitor who takes away or steals from their glory and/or the attention that they might otherwise get to themselves and always crave, they will go to considerable lengths to break the spirit of such a child.
Quick note about narcissists: they are the center of their own universe. The shit they do to you hurts you and it hurts you deeply, yet it is not about you, it is about them. But yes it hurts like hell.
Another quick note about narcissists: it can only be diagnosed in person by a competent professional, however, if walks like a duck and it quacks like duck…
Third quick note about narcissists: they do not know it is about them, and rarely, oh so rarely, do they ever realize otherwise.
Wow, I am sorry this is happening to you.