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still hoping for the best

by evianwatre

i can’t take failures anymore, anything bad honestly. last weekend depression fucked me so hard i could barely get out of my bed.

stayed up to 5am to finish my essay, it’s late now, 50% marks.

i managed to fuck up the last class i was doing good in, i worked so hard to get a 94, my only A i think to be honest, nope fucked it up. i tried to get things better by doing school work, drawing, even eating. nothing helps, not the suicide prevention chats, not the nature, not recordings of myself out of the state of mind telling my future self that everything is going to get better. i can’t do anything about it, maybe taking medication? i shouldn’t tell them, i don’t think it’ll come across anyways.

let’s see how long i’ll last.

maybe if i tell my friends to put my mother on suicide watch (after my death) , i can leave without bringing anyone down with me.

i don’t want to give up yet, but i want to be out of this pain, quick, as quick as possible.

why is simply remembering what’s happening so hard? how are they laughing and feeling joy? how am i supposed to live on with all these memories happening over and over and over again in my head? every single second, i don’t remember the last time i felt relieved.

i hate how happy they are, i hate seeing anyone in that state of mind, i can’t remember where i placed anything, i don’t understand, i don’t.

i’m not scared of the process of dying, but what’s going to happen after my death. i’ll cause people to suffer even if after my death, and that’s the exact reason why i wanted to leave.

what’s going to take for me to escape?

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