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Is wanting too much wrong?

by arielblaze

This is not directly linked to suicide, but it will be good if I could use this to organize my thoughts. I think it is better to do this than let this thing grow inside me untill it explodes someday. Today was a day that I thought I was going to explode, perhaps I did have a little explosion. I am living most of days inside my house, going out in very rare occasions. As a matter of fact, I wasnt even leaving my room for most of the time. I talk to some people through WhatsApp, though, and also my family, which is comprised by mother, my father and my sister. I am very problematic person,  I already had been in a mental hospital some times, and I am not sure if I am totally healed. I am trying to hold things togeher, to put some effort to keep life going forward, I have no job actually, but I am not even trying to find one, frankly. But I am not planning to stay like that forever, of course, but I just wouldnt like to do that now. I am planning to study the next year, I have an exam tomorrow, so there are some things that I am doing to improve my conditions. But in the meantime, while changes comes so slowly, there is a lot of stress, anxiety, pain, loneliness, sometimes despair and panic. Feelings of inadequacy, of being unworthy, of being unable to do the right thing, constantly regretting and being overly self-conscious about anything. It actually feels better just to type these things. Today I had some conversations with my sister, and then my father, and for some moments I was there making a show, with a bunch of arguments, trying to prove that I had some understanding about things and I wasnt just a little kid with no grasp of reality. And I am 23. I have so strong inside me this feeling of being treated like a kid, or being seen like a kid, as if my behavior was too much immature, or whatever. And as a matter of fact, most of my time I have devoted myself to develop a serious understanding of things, to develop further a serious attiude, and not act as if life is just a silly game. But I have fucked up things this year. I have done things I shouldnt have done, and I regret, though I prefer to keep it secret. But as I still carry some sort of stain I feel inside myself, I dont know how much time will be necessary till I feel a relief. And I am not a religious person, but I cant avoid feeling this kind of guilt, and associating this guilt with a stain within me. But I think if didnt have this wrongdoing I had this year, I would probably be more sane. So its like everything is my fault, after all. But I am hoping that I can get a new start. I hope that hoping that isnt wishing too much. Although,  I feel that it is wishing too much. But I must live, however. I can just die because of the bad things I did. And I can’t stop living, either. So I must keep seeking what is necessary and important. And I doing that. I have started a book that is being a scandal in my life, really opening my mind, with very illuminating thoughts. Its called Why grow up, subversive thoughts for an infantile age. By Susan Neiman. And I am just at the beggining, but it is already quite intense. You know, I am not just lazy, just unwilling to take effort, unwilling to take responsibilities. I am not just selfish, and indifferent about the others. I want to do something for the others around me, I want to be responsible, and not merely doing whatever suits my appetite. I want to work with something, I am studying within my limitations and I intend to be at some course in the next year. I have commited some mistakes in my way, but I am trying. I feel sometimes that my effort isnt seen by the people around, and that bothers me sometimes. But I will keep striving. I dont know if wanting too much is wrong or not. But if it is, I am definitely guilt of that. And I have no idea on how to change that. I must sleep now. I must endure all the fuzzy feelings that will come after making this post. While I was writing I had some illusion of company. Now it will disappear. It will be just darkness, confusion, then sleep. Being moved away from reality, somewhat a blessing. And then I will wake up, probably with a weird dream, an even more weird feeling, and will have to force myself to do the basic routine, and go do the exam. Lots of people in the way, unknown locations, uncertainties… Hoping to have a good performance in the test. Get back home with no troubles in the way. And have no troubles when I get back home. I think I am done with all the discussions, with all the arguments. Most of my life is devoted to researching and studying things, and some people wont give the damn work to listen me and act as if I am just pursuing and image or an appearence, as if I am not serious. Thats what makes my mad, literally. I dont go out, i dont go shopping, i dont have sex, I just stay inside this room seeking informations, reading, watching lectures, but no, I am not doing enough, right? I wont play this sick game. I have heard of people that spent their whole lives trying to prove something for a father or a mother, and I am not going to let this happen to myself. I am trying so hard to listen to this person, trying to engage in conversations, but I am sick of feeling as if I am not being heard. And I am not sure it was only my paranoia or if I have listened to real swears directed at me, said in my back. I am taking the risk to assume that it was real, and acted like it was real. Not going to assume that people wouldnt possibly behave this way and that anytime this seems to be happening, it is probably something from my head and it would be more wise to act as if nothing happened just to not be seen as crazy. If that is real those people are simply acting systematically to induce insanity on me. And I guess this happens, at least there is a term for that for women in abusive relationships, gaslight. But I am not a woman, and would like to think I am not in abusive situation with my family. I like to think my family wouldnt be willing to do such harm on me. This would be truly evil, and however bad they may be sometimes, I dont think they’re evil. So perhaps its just a little bit of paranoia, a lot of stress, insecurity, and some twisted imagination of mine. But I dont like to be fooled. And I simply cant distrust completely my senses. If I hear something, I might have heard it wrong, but I might also have heard it right. And I will act according to my perception, even if its wrong, even taking the risk of doing something stupid. Because I am not stupid. No matter how much hard it is for some people to recognize intelligence. And I am not saying I am a genius, that I am incredibly bright, no, I am not acting narcisistic here. It is just the case that there is some people that know how to put you down. I feel frustated. Angry. Mad. Sick. Sad. Disheartened. People love to romanticize the hardships of life, but the fact is: things could be a whole lot better, if they were perhaps just a tiny bit easier. I dont want a perfect life filled with comfort and pleasures and luxury. I just want a decent life. And its 2019. And the cost of a decent life for the most of people still seems to be terribly high, and terribly sacrificing. So, good luck everyone.


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Hadouken 12/15/2019 - 2:44 am

I almost felt like I stole your diary and started reading it lol. You write well.
I wanted to comment because something stood out to me and I wanted to tell you.
Alot of the times our biggest insecurities will be reflected onto us in life, to remind us to learn. This will keep happening until we do learn from them. I think a big thing is how you view yourself and these situations where it seems others around you are viewing you a certain way, but I do believe it could most possibly just be your insecurities. Things that you need to prove to yourself. I’m happy you’re starting to do things for yourself. Like your upcoming exam, good luck. The more you allow yourself to go out there and do things, the more confident and satisfied you will be in yourself. Then the more you will let go of wondering what others are thinking etc etc.
Just wanted to say.. not to assume though, just what I felt from your post. Hope you’re smiling 🙂

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