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My Demons dont even bother.

by JudgeMeNot

I’ve come so far yet learned nothing.

Took a risk in hope to better my confidence. Failed to understand the simplest of obstacles. Isolated long enough to meet the stranger I see in the mirror, it stands with no emotion. My world is full of confusion, more of the same shit everyday.

My life if you can call it that. The purpose is to evolve and participate in modern society. Work, Love and Raise children. Everyone must contribute. I on the other hand have been left to my own perception, which is dangerous given you need others opinions to know right and wrong, to trust and deflect ideas. Pure loneliness has become my illness. I’m 25. I dont go out. I do everything alone. I save more money and only get to worry about myself, sounds good I guess. But if you cant get comfortable not having the attention from others than you will suffer in your own little world, that being my bedroom.

I don’t know how to live. I’m scared of what’s behind my bedroom door. I’m a slave to the unknown. I miss dating.. to be loved. To be looked at. To kiss and hold.

I’ve practice becoming the monster I fear the most because it’s all that I’ve ever felt..

It’s better to feel pain than to not feel at all.

My demons see this. They can smell how pathetic I am. They dont even bother.

 

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2 comments

Cause of Death: Suicide 12/24/2019 - 3:38 pm

I have way too much attention In my life currently, I have always been ‘invisible’ but just not ‘dead.’ All I ever asked was to live alone in solitudal bliss. Apparently I have unintentionally gained unwanted attention!! I haven’t felt myself for a while now, feels a bit like feeling nothing. I never wanted to do any of those things.. work, love, all that sh*t. I as well kill myself right out of high school. Those things might be right for OTHER people, but I’m as well and halfway between on the idea, so I say it painstakingly, rather commit. Not wanting those things was what got me rather into suicide in high school. Actually, I never much planned to work but only got my first job to afford to commit!!

Now my problem feels like I can’t ever have the unworking, alone, detached, solitudal life that I believed I could have, and I guess that is why I waited and didn’t commit right out of high school. Of course, why would I be able to have that in a society as insane as this!!!

I say to enjoy what you can or life’s waste and you’re just as well dead or alive. Lol.

Weird Vibes 12/24/2019 - 5:07 pm

I can relate to a lot of what you say, I’m also 25 and numb a lot of the time

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