The crazy fact is that I still cling on to life with the lowest amount of optimism I have left which is why I desire someone would murder me to make the process significantly easier.
In the past, I would have suicidal thoughts but they were manageable through the gym, talking to a mentor/girlfriend and minor successes in life. Now those coping mechanisms don’t even work, they just numb my thoughts for a short period of time and then reverts to a way which I would describe “A squirrel anxiously on cocain divining the bleak future”. The truth is I don’t want to die but neither do I want to exist, what keeps me going I guess is the waste of investment from my family put into me, the cost of a funeral and a strange optimism to have a family in the future…
If anyone can relate to this… my thoughts consist of self-hate, convincing my self that others dislike me, creeping loneliness thoughts and constant thoughts of doubts, failure and anxious moments.
I think I will go through another 48 hours before I decide to do something.