Smile Though Your Heart is Aching

I’m having trouble smiling.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I try to force myself to smile. People always said if you smile you’ll feel happier as a result. But when I look in the mirror, and I see my reflection smiling, all these nauseating emotions build up in my stomach. I feel irritated, bitter, and almost disgusted. I actually feel disgusted looking at myself. Not in a sense that I think I’m ugly, I’ve pretty much contented myself on the fact that I am and only ever will be average-looking. But I’ve just grown to hate myself when I’m smiling. Sometimes, I’ll be legitimately happy, and then I’ll catch my reflection in the mirror and my mood will turn sour. I’ve started to roll my eyes at my reflection now, out of spite. I can’t look at photographs of myself smiling, and when I do, I always try to avoid looking at myself.

I have no idea why this pisses me off so much. And I have no idea why I keep looking in the mirror, attempting to force a smile, when I always get the same result. This resounding feeling of self-hatred.

I think I might be legitimately going insane and that thought is scaring me. Just how bad is my depression going to get. I’ve been doing this song and dance for 10 years now, and it’s only gotten worse. Am I going to be unable to even look at my reflection soon? Am I going to tear up old photographs in a rage? Destroy all the mirrors in my house? No. That’s probably not going to happen. I think I’ve been watching too many horror movies where the characters slowly go insane, and it’s starting to show.

You know. People would always tell me I had a nice smile. It was one of the common things everyone who ever grew attached to me complimented me about. “You have such a sweet smile.” “You should smile more.” “I’m taking a picture. Show me that pretty smile of yours.” Maybe it just frustrates me that other people get enjoyment out of something I’ve recently started to hate.