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A Quite Rant

by lilsuicideangle007

I’m fading away more and more everyday and I’m struggling. Trying to find the right words to explain it is complicated. I’m under quarantine and I hate it. But all I do is sleep and draw. I rarely eat anymore because when I leave my room I get targeted by my brother to be his throwing doll. As I hope that every breath will be my last I know that the angle of death won’t come and sent me free because it’s not my time.

But it’s kinda hard to not want that feeling of freedom. I’m alone. Alone with the thoughts that keep me captive to my own bed. I just lay here helpless knowing that whatever I do or say won’t be enough. Because I’m not enough. My girlfriend tries to remind me that she’s here with me but like I always say “You’re not the cause of these demons in my head, therefor you shouldn’t have to take on the responsibility of helping me conquer them.” She smiles and says she loves me but it’s only a matter of time before she see’s how clingy and problematic I am. Its been 1 month and she hasn’t given up on me. I fade away with every fake smile and “I’m Fine” Because of my past there are things that I can’t let go of. I have scars from when I was 5 yrs old and wanting to already end my life. It’s not worth losing yourself and personality worth. But it’s a struggle to keep my head up.

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Deadstar7 3/25/2020 - 10:00 pm

It may be a struggle to keep your head up but you should be proud of yourself because that is exactly what you have done. You have fought through all of that negativity and you have made it to this point.

And you should never just say you’re fine always. If your gf has stayed then maybe you need to give her the chance to fully accept you. Because fake smiles and lies don’t create a good relationship. It all just leads to fake love. Give her a chance. You don’t need to let go of your past or that pain. You just need to accept that it is all a part of you. You can hold onto it as long as you keep moving forward. Focusing on it forever will never get you to a better point. But getting to a better place is possible, especially with good people in your life to help.

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