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I don’t get it

by 15andfuckedup

I don’t get it, why do I keep screwing up everything and everyone. I pissed off the last person who (maybe) gave a shit about me. I’ve known her since a long time. We remained close friends for most of that time. A couple months ago she asked me why can’t I be normal just like everyone else. Idk but this question made me think that she was just like everyone with whom I’ve ever shared my problems with or put my faith in. So I did what I do best… I pushed her away thinking that she was no longer able to deal with my fucked up thoughts, which makes sense as she was the last one to go before I was all alone. However, a couple days back she checked on me despite the fact that I broke our friendship. So I told her everything, and then suddenly one day, I realized that by telling her everything, I became vulnerable to her. Something had to be done now. So I initiated the conversation and eventually insulted her the best way I could. Okay, this is confusing. She used to listen to me before but as for the last couple days, whenever I spoke with her, she gave me a sympathetic reply and blabbed about how so many other people have sufferings more genuine and worse than me. I did feel hurt cause I didn’t expect this from her, especially not when I needed her the most. So I ignored her until yesterday as she asked what was wrong. And that something had to be done now… I said shit about her and blocked her. Now as much as I hate myself for doing so, I hate people like her who support you at first and then when things get a bit intense, they don’t care anymore, leaving our thoughts to air out.

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6 comments

DOA 4/24/2020 - 3:02 pm

i definitely cant disagree, she said some things that you really shouldnt say to someone with mental disorders. did you ever think to talk to her about that though? my husband had said to me “what is wrong with you” i was pissed, understandably i feel. thats just a question you dont ask because literally everything wrong. but once i calmed down i told him to not say that and why. so he doesnt say it anymore.

as for the “theres people worse then you” comment, how you feel towards that and what you want to do with the situation is up to you. it really is something that shouldnt be said. the way i like to explain lifes situations to people is i could pinch you and it might not hurt. but i could pinch someone else and they might say ow. its the exact same situation but taken differently by 2 different people because everyones different. not only that but you have your more major problems and ones that arent as bad, that tends to reflect the situation that caused it so what youre feeling is completely valid. something in life happened to make you feel this way and thats ok. or maybe it was inherited. sadly some mental disorders can be passed down to children. my mother never talked to me about hers but im fairly confident she has some pretty major problems, anyway i think that might be where mine started, and my biodad has depression. theres so many different reasons why people feel the way they do and thats ok šŸ™‚

15andfuckedup 4/24/2020 - 3:53 pm

Yeah I don’t think whatever I’m dealing with is inherited but then, I don’t know what ‘triggered’ it if it is not inherited.
I don’t understand why people in general are concerned about some other person’s mental health when they don’t have the mindset required to help them or bear their dark thoughts. No one gives a shit when depressed faces are used in memes (which is inappropriate) but when someone says they’re feeling depressed, it becomes a taboo. And everyone around gets uncomfortable.

DOA 4/24/2020 - 4:14 pm

actually i find it more the opposite here and it pisses me off because it undermines depressed people. ill hear people saying “oh im depressed, my cat died” yes you are probably upset and saddened that your cat died but unless you are previously depressed before the death of your cat what youre feeling really isnt that bad in fact its normal. youre just sad. but people use the word sad and depressed like its interchangeable and not a mental disorder and it…..point made i dont like it lol

ashadow 4/24/2020 - 4:33 pm

Bad example. Actual depression caused by grief is a valid thing that happens, not just ‘sadness’.
It’s interesting how in your previous comment you make a case against minimizing someone’s experiences but do exactly that here. You aren’t the only one to do so, but it’s interesting.

ashadow 4/24/2020 - 5:10 pm

“when things get a bit intense they don’t care anymore.”
Perhaps she’s offering the “others have it worse” because that’s something that helps her? I think it’s normal to want to help friends, especially long term ones. Whether or not they actually can help isn’t always the first thought, and we draw on our own experiences when attempting to help others.
She cared enough to reach out again, and though misguided in her words she made an effort, and probably regretted asking that question.

However, insulting her like that is more than just intense. Everyone has limits. You felt vulnerable and it seems misunderstood and let down, so you lashed out at her. But how much can you hate her for not understanding? You seem on different pages and that’s normal when two people have different experiences. It’s hard to communicate what you need and expect from someone, and oftentimes that conversation doesn’t come up.
Being verbally abusive isn’t something people should tolerate though. Our mental health may explain the reasons behind such actions, but “I have x” doesn’t mean people need to accept “y behavior”. We make our own choices regardless of what demons we have, not choosing to have them doesn’t absolve us of responsibility. And of course it’s easy to say it doesn’t matter being suicidal, but it often still does.

Dont hate yourself for it. It tends to happen to everyone in one form or another, ending friendships harshly. Sometimes it can be mended, sometimes it’s something to carry.
Be kind to yourself.

15andfuckedup 4/24/2020 - 6:00 pm

Ik we weren’t on the same page and I shouldn’t have expected anything from her especially after I pushed her away. But she reached out to me when I needed someone and those expectations surfaced back from months ago. And now that I see it, I get that she contained herself and then came back to mend things with me while I was the same old me expecting the same things from a changed person. Losing a long term friend hurts more when I know that I’ve lost them forever.

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