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It keeps coming back, and it will not stop

by itfeelsperpetual

6 Years ago, I found this website, while i was in my lowest ebb, and decided to post in here. I thought that when it was over, it would be over, however, it kept coming back. These horrific depressive episodes keep coming back. Right now, I am in my final year of uni, my life is a complete mess, I have undiagnosed ocd (magical/ superstitious thinking) I feel that every horrible feeling I had before is coming back because I didn’t do something correctly. My relationships are a mess, I fall under fearful avoidant, I jump from hot or cold, I get perpetually heartbroken, and always end up breaking hearts in a perpetual cycle of misery and suffering. I can’t handle being alone, and now that I actually am alone I can’t handle it. My obsessive compulsions are taking over my life. I am too heartbroken to function normally, and this is not the first time it has happened. I am too distracted to finish my dissertation . I may not finish it in the end. I have body image issues as well , I avoid eating as much as I can , it makes me extremely anxious. I am unable to enjoy food in any way. I recently went nofap( no porn or masturbation) in an attempt to try to heal myself , but it doesn’t seem to be doing anything. I am so alone, I can’t tell anyone , and I know it’s going to get worse. I tried, I really tried, but I keep getting lost in my own mind. I know I have undiagnosed depression, it keeps coming back , and it will not stop till it consumes me. I don’t need or want advice, I just want someone to talk to. I am too afraid to kill myself, but I don’t want to continue on anymore, I don’t know what will help, I don’t know how long more of this I can continue. I am suffering.

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2 comments

victoria12 4/4/2020 - 3:47 pm

First, I just want to say how much I appreciate you being vulnerable in sharing your thoughts and feelings. I can’t imagine having those feelings and not having someone to talk to about it. Can I ask what types of skills you have tried? I ask because maybe we together can come up with more tools to put in your tool box. I know for me personally, when I am struggling, I will go down the list of my coping skills. Now, it does not always work, but I tell myself that I tried and that way I don’t feel like an even bigger failure.
Where do you think your body issues come from? Have you taken time to explore the specific stressors that are making you feeling these intense emotions? I would be curious to know what has helped in the past and what hasn’t.
I am happy to listen to any concerns or just venting you may have or need to do.

itfeelsperpetual 4/5/2020 - 7:17 am

Thank you for your reply, nothing seems to be working for now. I have tried walks, but I just seem to always break down. I don’t know what to do. Are you currently in a situation now?

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