my friends bday is coming up. after fucking it up last year and having a mental breakdown i want to surprise him this year and be a month clean. i want to message him and say “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! oh and my present to you because i know it will make you happy….i havent had a joint or a drink in a month 🙂 april **th was my last day.” but i cant do it. i havent had a drink in a day or so and im a b*tch. my husband mentioned that im “on edge” and thats the first time in my life ive ever heard those words, let alone heard them in mention to ME. i cant handle my relationship sober. everything is wrong. “help me i cant do it alone” “f*ck off. im independent. i can do it” “dont touch me, i think thats all you want” “dont you love me? why cant i get your attention?” i have a headache. all i can think about is my death, my paranoia. why cant someone just kill me, its obvious life wasnt meant for me.