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its my time…

by no name

my friends bday is coming up. after fucking it up last year and having a mental breakdown i want to surprise him this year and be a month clean. i want to message him and say “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! oh and my present to you because i know it will make you happy….i havent had a joint or a drink in a month 🙂 april **th was my last day.” but i cant do it. i havent had a drink in a day or so and im a b*tch. my husband mentioned that im “on edge” and thats the first time in my life ive ever heard those words, let alone heard them in mention to ME. i cant handle my relationship sober. everything is wrong. “help me i cant do it alone” “f*ck off. im independent. i can do it” “dont touch me, i think thats all you want” “dont you love me? why cant i get your attention?” i have a headache. all i can think about is my death, my paranoia. why cant someone just kill me, its obvious life wasnt meant for me.


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Rainwatch 4/5/2020 - 9:58 am

I don’t drink alcohol myself, don’t get a buzz of it so a month alcohol free would be no problem. Pot, now that would be a different story, however I believe someone like you could manage a month clean. Time flies and so will that month!

DOA 4/5/2020 - 9:59 am

someone like me?

Rainwatch 4/5/2020 - 5:36 pm

Hold it there kitty kat. Ur lashing out. My comment was positive not negative!9

Rainwatch 4/5/2020 - 5:37 pm

Typo should be thumbs up emoji not 9

DOA 4/5/2020 - 6:01 pm

No. Lol I was curious what you meant by someone like me? Like who someone like me is to you. If any of that makes sense lol

Rainwatch 4/5/2020 - 6:13 pm

I got the wrong end of the stick lol someone of your character face that month successfully is what I meant

DOA 4/5/2020 - 7:25 pm

My character? You don’t even know me 😛 how can you judge my character

Abnormal.Thoughts 4/5/2020 - 10:24 am

You have a goal, if you achieve it imagine how proud you will be. If you don’t achieve it to make it a month you can try 3 weeks, or 2, or 1. Your friend will be appreciative of your effort and happy to know you care enough about him to make changes to yourself. It’s okay to slip up in recovery, you just have to pick up where you left off when you do. Hopefully your friend will support you on your journey.
Regarding the relationship, I recently learned that hiding yourself from your family has a worse outcome than telling them what your going through, they will be more understanding and try to help you so you don’t have to feel “on edge”. If they don’t maybe reconsider what the relationship is built on.

thedevilisclose 4/6/2020 - 4:10 am

If this is the way you treat people. I hope you dont wonder why you’re hated. Because that would have to make you really f*cking stup*d you f*cking c*nt. See I can call names too. Now why dont you f*ck off somewhere. You’re not wanted.

DOA 4/6/2020 - 4:17 am

If you dont have something nice to say, dont say it at all. Now NEVER comment on my posts again. You never say anything nice and from now on I’m going to report it every time so grow up and just stop!!!

Cause of Death: Suicide 4/6/2020 - 8:19 am

I just don’t know why the hell you think this person would care to hear from you. That day is about them, and let me tell you.. I am sure they dislike you at least and I’m fully sure they do not care about you. So god damn I am just pointing out that you are very selfish to do that.

Cause of Death: Suicide 4/6/2020 - 8:31 am

Also I should apologize and explain why I commented on your post. I have been raped my last two birthdays and I am still very suicidal since my last birthday rape. And I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE THAT ARE RAPING ME AND WHY THE HELL THEY ARE RAPING ME AND WHY THE HELL THEY WOULD EVEN KNOW ITS MY BIRTHDAY. So I’m just saying, you might ruin their god damn day by making it ABOUT YOU. Hell, you might even murder them or cause them to commit suicide.

Cause of Death: Suicide 4/6/2020 - 8:35 am

I was SO suicidal after my last birthday rape that I had to go out and buy a BRAND NEW CAR just so I would have ONE REASON not to commit suicide. And now they have followed me and taken my license, so they have taken that too now. And again, I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE AND WHY THEY ARE TAKING EVERY LITERAL THING THAT IS MINE.

Cause of Death: Suicide 4/6/2020 - 8:40 am

Literally now that they took my license I have no job, I was making good money – NOW I HAVE A BRAND NEW CAR that I owe 17,000$ on and I have NO JOB. I have NO WAY TO PAY FOR THIS.

DOA 4/6/2020 - 9:54 am

YOU DONT LISTEN!!! you cant come on here and be a b*tch to someone for no reason. Your life is NOT someone else’s. Everyone is different so to compare your life to others is just wrong. And now I’m reporting you. Because I warned you NOW KNOCK IT OFF!!!!!!

Cause of Death: Suicide 4/6/2020 - 11:04 am

Your right damn I don’t even know you , don’t report me you a-hole

Abnormal.Thoughts 4/6/2020 - 9:01 am

This thread took a strong left turn.
@Cause of Death: Suicide – I am concerned about you mental well-being after reading your posts and comments, I know it’s scary but you should go to the police and the hospital for some professional care, I don’t know if this site is enough.

@DOA – I’m rooting for your success. Stay strong and it will get easier.

Cause of Death: Suicide 4/6/2020 - 11:00 am

No I can’t go there because they keep me from suicide and all I want is to commit suicide so we have a conflict of interest. I don’t want to be forced to be alive by random strangers. But I’ve learned to deal with it because I was supposed to have killed myself with gunshot to head 7 years ago, when a band of random strangers ganged up on me and took me to the hospital. I suspect those same people are the ones raping me to this day, and it’s been what – a decade? I wasn’t lying I was raped on the last two of my birthdays and in total I have been raped 196 times since 2016. I planned since 2007 to kill myself by gunshot to the head in 2012.. but like I said I have random strangers forcing me to be alive to this day… while they rape me and force me to pay them exceedingly large amounts of money .. for nothing at all.

DOA 4/6/2020 - 12:17 pm

STOP COMMENTING! Your negativity isn’t wanted here. Go annoy someone else with your BS.

DOA 4/6/2020 - 4:02 pm

Admin please dont. They are constantly negative on my posts and I want it to stop. It is unnessacary and mean and you won’t do anything about it and it has to stop.

a1957 4/6/2020 - 4:36 pm

Hi DOA. As far as I know you can make any comment on a post of yours go away. Click Edit on that comment and the next screen should let you trash the comment. I also remember there was feature on here that let you block another member from commenting on your posts. I can’t find that right now.

DOA 4/6/2020 - 4:57 pm

They got rid of that updates ago. Also I know I can just delete it but that’s not the point. The point is they are always coming on here and calling me names and sh*t all because they had a sh*tty life like that’s somehow my fault and admin isn’t doing jack sh*t about it and I’m sick and f*cking tired of it.

a1957 4/6/2020 - 7:37 pm

A month clean. Good on you. I can’t fathom what the withdrawal would be like other than it sure can’t be any picnic, wow.
You mentioned paranoia. About a year ago I learned I had some of it myself. Abuse can cause some nasty things to happen in our brains.

a1957 4/6/2020 - 7:38 pm

A month clean. Good on you. I can’t fathom what the withdrawal would be like other than it sure can’t be any picnic, wow.
You mentioned paranoia. About a year ago I learned I had some of it myself. Abuse can cause some nasty things to happen in our brains.

DOA 4/7/2020 - 9:50 am

Working on a month. Only on day 2

a1957 4/7/2020 - 1:35 pm

As they say in Germany, “New beginnings are hard.”

DOA 4/7/2020 - 3:16 pm

Why do they say it in Germany? Why not every where? I mean humans do get use to things and suggesting change expecially major ones….it’s definitely not easy.

a1957 4/7/2020 - 6:08 pm

It is true everywhere, yes. Years ago I was telling a fellow airline mechanic, who herself was from Germany, about hard it was to start working at a new airline. She said, ” As they say in Germany……”

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