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Ok, enough.

by 15andfuckedup

I feel like something’s eating up my brain. It’s like it has created a deep hole inside my soul. It is controlling me and my life. Sometimes, it tells me to hurt myself by my own hands while some other times, it tells me to hurt people who’ve hurt me. It just is so confusing that my mind is choked badly. I’ve lost my ability to think. And even slowly, but I’m losing myself upto an extent that I may die now. I want to die now. It has became my only wish – to die. It’s pinching and punching me. It is making me aware of parts of me that I never even knew, existed, those hidden dark mysterious parts of my empty yet peaceful soul. And I, too, like a fool, am letting it do whatever it wants to do with me because no matter how hard I try to oppose it, it won’t stop. It isn’t stopping. I’ve started to feel that there’s no sense trying because in the end, I’m definitely gonna lose. But then, that’s the whole point about trying because brave are the people who die trying. But what am I doing? Losing hope is all I can think about along with the fact that hope is something that wasn’t made for me. The irony here is that even darkness was not made for me because the creator must’ve been too scared to make anything for me and my empty soul. That is why, I wonder how come has this thing stuck with me if nothing was made for me, ever. I might sound like I am in total despair but I don’t think this thing, that has settled in my mind and is so busy twisting and hurting me, is bearable. Now, tell me what I’m supposed to do except for falling on my knees (I’m not begging it to leave me) and surrendering to it. And even the creator won’t know what this thing would do to me once I’ve surrendered. So if someday, someone asks you, why I did what I’m going to, just tell them (don’t overthink this because you’d never get a single answer) that I had no choice but to let myself go.


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Nobear 4/15/2020 - 12:19 am

If you want to let go of the darkness you first have to literally hug it out with yourself and physically say to yourself “it’s ok to feel like this”until you can start to believe it…i know it sounds weird but it works

15andfuckedup 4/15/2020 - 12:27 am

But how do I say something which is not even close to being true… Cause it’s not ok to feel like this or else like other emotions that are felt by everyone, this would’ve been felt by all too… But it isn’t so cause it ain’t normal

Nobear 4/15/2020 - 12:42 am

It is normal for people like us… i wouldn’t dare post any of my darkest thoughts, feelings, wishes, urges because they are so terrible. If you can look up radical acceptance it might help.

15andfuckedup 4/15/2020 - 12:51 am

I’ll try that… I’ll fight reality because I can’t die unless it’s the only option

Nobear 4/15/2020 - 1:11 am

Ive been through 2 suicide attempts and multiple hospital stays, Yes Fighting reality just breeds more darkness.

Abnormal.Thoughts 4/15/2020 - 12:29 am

Did you try the help line yet? Just checking since it does sound very detrimental for you right now. I’ve been there, most of us here have, which is why we’re here.
Just make sure it’s the only option, don’t make a decision you might regret if you live long enough to know it.

15andfuckedup 4/15/2020 - 12:46 am

I did try the helpline but guess what… The people there, they’re just forcibly doing their exhausted job to get money… They don’t give a shit about me or anyone else… They’re as selfish as they can be… And yes I haven’t killed myself yet cause still there’s some part of me that feels like there’s going to be some miracle or something that would save me but now it seems like there isn’t anything like that… There wasn’t anything like that and there won’t be anything like that

Abnormal.Thoughts 4/15/2020 - 8:48 am

Yeah, that’s sucks. Well, you know we’ll be happy to listen and offer advice.

15andfuckedup 4/15/2020 - 9:03 am

Nah man… Thanks but I think I know what to do.

Abnormal.Thoughts 4/15/2020 - 9:26 am

Hopefully it involves something you can enjoy either with a good friend or on your own to give yourself some time to think.
(I didn’t miss the insinuation here, I just want you to consider it longer since it’s a major decision)

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