One of the biggest things inhibiting desire for suicide in me is thinking about my parents getting the news. Imagining these wonderful people who have poured so much love and energy into supporting me over the years, long after they should have turned their backs. It just seems completely unacceptable to do that to them. I know it’ll break them – they’re way too emotionally invested. Putting them through that much pain – and I don’t think they’d ever heal. I’m a terrible person, and a terrible son, but I still love them.
On the other hand, continuing to exist also seems unacceptable. I shouldn’t be. I can’t live with the despair – shame, self-hatred, isolation, regret, longing. I can’t survive with this. It’s unbearable.
Can anybody think of a way to end myself without having that effect on my family? Or at least to mitigate the harm a bit? I feel like I’m trapped in a no win situation here. Either outcome is unacceptable, so I just stick with the hell that I know.