does it get better? i fucking hope so.

i’m gonna swear a lot, bear with me. it’s 22:22. no one’s enjoying this lockdown. but i seem to like it. university’s shut down, i’m away from toxic people. i’m on my phone, laptop and ps4 for almost the whole fucking day. i’m an 18 y/o guy btw, but it’s super tough living with my family. maybe you’ve heard of a “conservative hindu” family, maybe you haven’t. i REALLY don’t like talking about my family to anyone. not even my closest friends know exactly what i’m going through. i have a strained relationship with my dad from 2011. fucker used to beat me a lot, even for the littlest of reasons. i’d always dread his arrival from the office to our house (“home”, my fucking ass). he wanted to instill fear in me and he did that pretty fucking well. i’m fucking 18, and i still hate his presence around the house. my mom, on the other hand, is an instigator. any opportunity she gets to put my reputation down with my dad, she’ll grab it. i distanced myself from them right from 2017, and it gets worse every fucking day. i know their movements so well by now, i can tell who’s approaching my room and when. sometimes, i hide in the washroom when my dad gets home so that i can avoid seeing him for a few minutes. i have a sibling, she’s only 8. perfect mind to brainwash for my parents. they want to make her the “ideal” indian girl; extremely religious, doesn’t talk back to elders etc. basically, they want her to be anyone but me. i’m not religious or political, and i’m going to stay away from it for all my life. my parents hate anyone who goes against their religious or political views. so much for “open-mindedness”. drinking/smoking is a HUGE no-no. although, i do both occasionally unbeknownst to them. on another note, i fucking hate my university life. never wanted to go back to my home country, but that was our “budget”. stuck there for 4 years till i get my degree. the people are so toxic and i can’t seem to get along with most of them. maybe it’s my fault for being too judgemental, oh well. uni life is supposed to be enjoyable. my uni is a highly reputed one but it’s extremely strict and super conservative. guys and girls together is a big no-no. drinking can get you suspended for 6 months. there are pda  (public display of affection) guards posted along the campus. ngl, that’s the creepiest job right fucking there. anyway, the dorms suck, food sucks, people are fucking rowdy-like. maybe i’m super fucking pessimistic. i have a small but tight group of friends back home (not gonna mention where). they’re fucking everything to me, even if they don’t know it. i’m really bad at expressing myself and putting my feelings out there. i’m kind of introverted, maybe? definitely not the kind who’d prefer a night of solitude over a party with close friends, but my social meter runs out really fast. but if i’m close to you, i’d fucking talk all night. oh, and about suicide? i’ve thought about it from when i was 15-16. how did it start? i really fucking don’t know. i never found any joy in living, like most of the people do?? hours and days would just pass and i would sit and wonder, what the fuck is MY purpose? you know, i dated this girl for 9 months in 2017-18, got dumped pretty bad, did NOT take it well. students, teachers etc. got to know, huge scene took place. if you (my ex) ever come across this, just know that i never meant to hurt you. my mom hated me for dating, as if i wasn’t “allowed” to have a crush and act on it. jesus fuck mom, i was just 16. from that point of time, my parents “lost trust” in me and i lost respect for them. the more i got to know about my parents’ attitude towards things, the more i felt disgusted. i get it, nobody’s perfect. took me a year to get over my ex. thought that was the “end of the world”. tried to kms by drinking clorox? resulted in tummy ache lmao. i thought of getting sleeping pills but never went forward with it. other methods seemed too painful. so i finally got over her, idk how. woke up one fine day and didn’t miss her anymore.this world works in mysterious ways. read a lot of inspirational and therapeutic articles on the web to clear my head. all i can say, stick to your friends, your closest ones. you’ll know who the right ones are. the vibe when you’re around them will just feel RIGHT. if you don’t feel the vibe, you don’t need that sort of negativity in your life. i’ve become better at choosing friends. i’ve started to love myself more. yes, i smoke and drink. doesn’t mean i’m a bad person. maybe i’m too selfish as i only care about myself these days, but hey, i never used to care about myself. i get somewhat abused mentally at my house (not getting in detail). i wanna go abroad for masters, probably UK or USA. my family doesn’t have that kinda money and that puts me down a lot. all my friends have gone abroad to pursue their field of interest. wish i had that kind of financial backup. plus my dad made it very clear that he won’t fund me if the fee is beyond his budget. hope i get some form of funding or scholarship lmaooo. do i hate my parents? not really, they’ve done a lot for me even though they act like complete fucking dicks all day. probably that’s the way they were brought up. i knew that my grandpa was abusive, i can see the marks on my dad’s hands. maybe my dad’s releasing all that anger on me? but i know one thing for sure. i want to start afresh. new country, new life. and i want to keep my current friends forever. let me put this out there, high school friends stick with you. in college, people are gonna fucking use you till they want and then dump you when you’re no longer of use to them. i really don’t know what i’m doing in life but i hope i make it somewhere. thanks for reading this really long rant. i will survive, you will survive, we all will survive.