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I’m not in Hell, I feel it

by Todamnbad

Arthritis is one hell of a injury. I have had two finger surgeries if anyone has read my posts through out the community. It delivers a shockwave of pain through your nervous system. I have freak injuries. One day I woke up, nothing unusual happened, but when I woke, I was in a tremendous amount of eye pain. I lost bottom muscle of your eye, which is suppose to hold eye in your place but now it sits on top of the bone socket, and hurts like a living hell. I saw two eye doctors, no big specialist, they count diagnose me. I know for a fact I have osteoarthritis in both my fingers from the in juries and surgeries. I have had hand tremors before as the pain overwhelmed my body. I have something to fibro fog, where you can’t even think or focus, because all your mind is feel absolute pain. I’m unfortunately one of those people who had a failed suicide attempt that worse their life. One of the fears people do have on this site. If you know you can’t follow through, don’t make your life more miserable. I slit my wrist pretty deep, trying to find that artery. I stopped and cried for help, which is what most people are looking for, not death. That has cost me more pain in that wrist as I did need like 5-6 stitches. My latest injury, because life will never whooping my @$$. I had a freak accident, I was carrying a laundry basket full of heavy shit, I carried it leaning against me above my knees because its an easy carry. I some how flexed my knee cap and smashed it up against the bottom of the heavy box. Talk smashing your knee is freaking painful as hell. My life is hell. Thats the only I can desrcibe it anymore. Pain has robbed me from every living a normal life. I thought I was going to escape my childhood of abuse to live happy and normal. Boy I was wrong, stupid injuries after injury. Now, I feel like a crippled, the amount of suffering and agony I’m in, is beyond words. I think about death and suicide everyday. For me, this a result of, I can’t my life back. I can’t go back to work and feel normal. I can’t socialize and feel normal. I have scars now, that won’t ever heal. One of my favorite analogy of pain. A man takes an axe and swings at the tree. The man will grab wood off its limbs and return to his life. The tree remembers forever. You can’t forget pain, that will never leave. Time can’t heal wounds when the scars will never heal and ultimately, you can’t forget and move on from something, if your body can’t forget. If my life ever gets worse, I have to die. There’s times, where life gets so miserable, suicide is reasonably a solution, if you’re terminally ill. I feel that way, yeah my scars wont kill me, they sure as hell make me wish I was. What doesn’t kill you, doesn’t make you stronger, it makes you wish you were dead.


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Sbilko 5/12/2020 - 5:54 pm

I’m sorry with all my heart for your pain.

There was a brief time when I thought, a few weeks ago, that by focusing on the pain one can feel less pain. So I ate a garlic ‘piece’ with nothing else; I didn’t “beat my chest in pain”, but the pain was unavoidable and intense, my chin muscles froze for some time because of the pain. This isn’t to mock your pain in any way; all the contrary: if what I did hurt, how much more must your pain be? I feel you man, I feel you with my heart.

A few months ago, with all the Covid lockdown going on, I hurried to carry all the food from my Uni campus, to back home. It weighted probably as much as me (80kg?), it was incredibly heavy; it took me 1 hour to walk like 150 meters to the train station, even though in the direction I was going the terrain was inclined downwards. My back hurt terribly after it. A few weeks passed, and a spot in my back still hurt! I didn’t know what to do, thought that it was permanent.

I couldn’t sleep on my side, which is how I normally sleep; so instead I got up and searched for solutions on YouTube. (can’t find the video now). I found a muscular guy (probably a weightlifter) who explained that this can be solved through what he does: with his back against the wall, he rolled a Tennis ball between the wall and the spot on his back where it hurt; and he also did the same against the floor, with a soft but stiff cilinder (a rolled exercise mat?). I tried the same, rolling my back against the edge of my bed. After I did it, it hurt like hell!!! I couldn’t sleep in any position except face up, and I can’t sleep like that. HOWEVER, after 2 days it hurt LESS!!! I look forward to fully solving the little pain that remains; but at least now I can sleep on my side.

Have you heard of Master Sergeant Roy Benavidez? He had stepped on a mine, and doctors said he won’t ever be able to walk. However, he, with perseveration and resilience, day after day, crawled a little further away from his bed. With the encouragement of the other patients, and with many many tears, he managed to lift himself on his feet. After months or a year of this intense physical rehabilitation, he could walk and run perfectly well. Bruce Lee too had a back injury if I’m not mistaken, after someone kungfu-kicked him in the back; but with the same type of resilient physical rehabilitation, he recovered from it.

Those who, through physical rehabilitation, recover from intense physical pain, become incredibly strong and determined people. Perhaps you can apply the same to your physical pains? It won’t be easy, but may Roy and Bruce be your inspiration, brother, for they did it, and so can you:

mountaingoat 5/12/2020 - 9:01 pm

I really feel for you.

I don’t know man, suicide is pretty extreme, and I think it should be resisted as long as possible.

Everything has a reason, we inherit our karma, right? It’s probably best to take your lumps and get it over with. Either that or life the universe and everything is a big lucky accident and there is nothing much to it and when you’re dead there’s nothing to feel or know anything so it doesn’t matter. For real doesn’t matter at all.

Take your pick.

But, at some point it really can become too much.

May God help you.

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