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Jumping Vs. Gun

by Drewski

Jumping has it’s allure to me. I’m even over the time spent in freefall and have probably overcome the survival instinct all together frankly.

The gun though, there’s something about the gun and it’s finality that I’m drawn closer to at this point.

The gun exit can be recorded if needed. The jump is pretty public.

I’m just looking for general feedback.

 

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Sbilko 5/8/2020 - 7:03 pm

Please brother, do not commit what you would not be able to undo. Please, think about your family, how much they would suffer.

Please, think more deeply on the problem that leads you to these suicidal thoughts. We have only one life, with infinite potential.

Perhaps my personal story can give you hope: A little more than 3 years ago, I realized that no matter how much I study (for I had tried my best), I won’t be able to go study Medicine. Then my whole perspective and plans for the future were shattered.

I had no certainties after that, so I thought: “What is it that I can know for certain? I have one life. Okay, what do I do with it? What does one do with one’s life? What is the meaning of life?” For 3 years I restlessly searched for the answer, I dug very deeply for information, and without judging I took into account everything that I found. I searched for the answer, and wanted to know it, scientifically I searched. I was so determined that either I find the answer or will dedicate the rest of my life to its search. Contemporary Science was my starting point and stepping stone, I started off from there.

It is recently, at the end of the 3 years, that I realized that the question “What is the meaning of life?” is incorrect. My reasoning was: “Imagine a box, you have balls moving inside it, colliding with one another. The balls don’t care about meaning, they just follow the trajectory. Now substitute those balls for atoms, and you have the Universe.” I took into consideration all that I found.

The most important thing is that, after the said 3 years of searching, I found something incredibly precious, full of meaning, I no longer feel restless, I found far more than the answer I was searching for. Now I see that everything is full of meaning, how beautiful and meaningful it all is, how precious our life is in this vast and almost completely void Universe.

Brother, most importantly, please know that there is hope, there is a harmless resolution, the searched-for answer exists. There is a way for the strength to bear the pain, to be so much, much stronger than the pain. There is a way around the void inside. I have searched and found it; please Drewski, research; please address the cause of the problem instead acting upon how it makes you feel.

More than anything, there is hope brother, there is hope.

no name 5/8/2020 - 7:39 pm

a few things. 1) a question can not be incorrect because the only wrong question is the one not asked. 2) youre basically saying there is no meaning to life and if there is no meaning to life whats it matter whether or not one kills themselves? 3) how can you just change balls out for atoms? unlike balls what the atom is apart of can choose its destination.

Sbilko 5/9/2020 - 4:25 am

Hi, it was a long search, these realizations of mine took me years to reach. As such, I don’t know why I provided them, for the only appropriate way to reach them is by one’s own questioning. I guess I saw no other way to be useful but by telling my story, how I struggled for meaning, and that there is hope, for I found it. The struggle was totally worth it, for I found far more than I searched for, open to all who search.

Regarding “1)”, the question is inaccurate, it’s as if asking: What’s the meaning of eating? What’s the meaning of sleeping? Of this table? Of my room? It’s alike to the Japanese Koans. Ask it, you’re free to do it; you could for years be struggling with the question, with no way to grab it. Which is why I came to the conclusion that the question is, you know, not pointless, but in a way leading to nowhere.

Regarding 2), the question “What is the meaning of life?” being inaccurate does not mean that I didn’t find something transcendental along the way to its search. For what I found is totally mind-blowing: meaning is sooo all-prevailing that we can even assume that it doesn’t exist; like fish questioning the existence of the water they’re in.

In the context of the example I gave, it would be like this: the very existence of the box and balls inside, are testimony that it is brimming with meaning. For if it exists, it has meaning; otherwise it wouldn’t exist. I know that it doesn’t sit well, but if seen unbiasedly and researched diligently, the truth stands.

3) The atom can choose its destination? That’s revolutionary! ;0

Cause of Death: Suicide 5/12/2020 - 9:21 pm

Those were my two methods of choice initially (13 years ago), but since I am too suicidal, depressed to work I can’t afford a gun to commit with .. Now I am trying to commit suicide by burning charcoal in a tent in my backyard… I just don’t know if there’s anything I want, or have, to do before I commit suicide. This new method I discovered out of sheer necessity, because since they’ve taken my license and my entire life savings I can’t even drive to a cliff that I can jump from.. I also have been thinking of hose from car exhaust into the car window. I should probably be committing by now, or dead already, but I keep lying to myself into thinking that there’s something I enjoy enough that I won’t kill myself yet. I know I should just do it already.

Sbilko 5/13/2020 - 3:07 pm

Please, hold on, there are so many people, reasons and things to live for. Why is it that you want to commit suicide?

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