I’m supposed to go to A&E if I feel suicidal. I keep talking myself out of it.
I haven’t actually attempted anything so it’s a bit pointless.
It’s an hour walk away so I’ll probably turn around after a while & go home anyway.
They don’t have the time/manpower to deal with my stupid bullshit right now anyway.
I’m supposed to tell this to my counsellor but I don’t know what to say, how to say it, I’ve been lying about how well I am which is very counter productive and a waste of money.
Today I counted how many pills I had in the house and how many I’d need for an overdose. A lot more than I have. I got dressed to go to the shop to buy more but I’m writing this instead. This is the first time I’ve taken a step beyond wishing it.
I should ring my parents but I’m not going to act on anything right now so why mention it & worry them more.
I’m trapped in my flat by myself because of the lockdown but other people#s lives are harder, other people have bigger problems,
I really miss my cat today
3 comments
Thank you for sharing, I know the feeling and that moment when you are on the brink but not over the edge yet, it’s horrible, so if it helps please keep sharing.
I used to just wish to die but that was when I was like.. way young (9 yrs). I am one of those people that, like…. actually commits suicide and loves it/ wants it that way!! Yes, I am proud to be suicidal.
I’m only here on this site today because my plans fell through. I’m supposed to not be alive today, my goal was to not live past 18 years (19 at the latest) actually…
I have no idea in the world, why I am alive today. ??? I have never had any friends, or any family either. My whole life I have spent completely alone.
Sorry I’m just as disheartened as you are. I wonder what pills you are taking. I wonder perhaps benedryl? Before I found a chart on a website showing how many you need to be lethal and actually pass, I took 300 or so of some, idk random pills they gave me, I think they were mood stabilizers, maybe an antipsychotic. Well I’ve never had any problems so the pills mostly just messed me up and now I’m not the same person. I think I gained 70 pounds or something and then I forgot how to think, move, walk, talk.
But you know I have forgiven those random strangers for poisoning me because like I said, goal was to die anyhow. Don’t matter if you were handicap by excessive pills being forced into you, when your only goal is suicide. But hey I didn’t have the chart yet so I didn’t end up dying. I thought I was going to die, I was so happy and excited, so I took them!! (Like I said I was supposed to not live past 19 at the very very very latest) I think I was 22 when I took these pills. I was supposed to already be dead since 19 so all I’d been doing had been trying to get a job so I could afford a gun cause that’s my method of choice. Quick and painless. I had never ever ever considered taking pills to commit suicide with, but all I really knew was that I had been trying since 18 for nothing other than to afford a shotgun to kill myself with, and I was supposed to had been dead since 19 and ABSOLUTELY NO LATER. I think all it took for me to start becoming creative with methods was a little push. I was actually stalked and assraped the night before my overdose.
Sadly, nothing else happened except I didn’t die and I felt weak for a week. I used to just know one method – shotgun, now I know about 20 and hope to use one as soon as I can figure out how to.
I say this in response to your quote: “this is the first time I have taken a step beyond wishing it.” Before actually becoming outwardly physically suicidal when I turn 18 and had a way to die (1.can purchase guns at 18) I had spent most every night of every year before 18 endlessly wishing to die but never taking any steps. That’s all I ever wish for. On my 14th birthday cake I blew the candles out and wished for a terrible illness that would kill me before the next year. When I finally could afford it, I bought a shotgun when I was 21, but a group of random strangers followed me and took it. I had been planning that day for god……. how many years?? At least 10. I was so ecstatic I was finally about to make my dream come true. I was supposed to had killed myself at 18, I had been waiting for so long.