I want to start off by saying I’ve been coming on this site for 5 years now and reading all your stories and finding comfort in them. I haven’t had the urge to make an account and speak my truth till now. I feel extremely defeated by life. I am 24 and I’m ready to go. I’ve struggled with mental illness for about 13 years now and it progressively gets worse as I get older. I believe it all stemmed when I was 5, I was raped by a family remember repeatedly for 2 years. I was very young but I knew what was happening was wrong , I told my mom and she didn’t believe me. Everyone in my family thought I was lying. At school I passed a note telling someone what happened to me and I remember getting suspended for it. Nothing was ever done about it. So as I grew older I’ve always had self esteem issues and been in and out of mental hospitals. I have tried all kinds of medicine and different doctors even did some bullshit hypnosis because I have literally tried everything under the sun. I asked for a lobotomy and apparently I don’t qualify because I don’t take the anti psychotics they give me. I don’t take them because they sedate me and make me feel so apathetic when really I’m a very caring emotional person. My self esteem issues have put me in relationships with men who could careless about me. I’m always getting cheated on or left for someone else. This destroys me and just makes me think what the hell is wrong with me. Why does everyone leave ? Why am I never good enough ? So I thought I found someone who truly loved me. We were together 3 years (yeah not a lot to some people) and I had two miscarriages with this person. He never showed up to the hospital when I was having neither of them, he also left me for another woman while I was pregnant with the second baby. This destroyed me of course and I got extremely low and sick and my baby also ended up passing away at 11 weeks. I come to find I have a gene mutation called MTHFR (yeah I’m not joking that’s the acronym) that is the cause to my miscarriages and mental and physical illnesses. The doctor told me I’m basically going infertile and it will be extremely hard for me to ever have a kid. As a woman, it has devastated me and thrown me into a dark hole. Not that women are only here to procreate but me, I, have always wanted to be a mother. When I heard that I shut down and started experiencing depersonalization and agoraphobia where I didn’t leave my house for 8 months. I grew extremely scared of people and my own psych. I began to force myself to leave the house one week and I met somebody. An older man, 23 years my senior. He of course does not look his age so I began speaking to him and he just made me feel so good about myself like no one has before. We began to date shortly after that, he was amazing. He began to change later on becoming verbally abusive and even physically abusive one time, I still adored him with all my being. I’ve been seeing him about a year and a half now but have recently caught him seeing another woman. I am destroyed. It has happened once again, I am never enough for someone no matter what I do. I’m afraid it’s just going to be a continuous cycle my whole life. Just going to attract people who don’t ever truly love me and I’m never going to have the kids I’ve always wanted. Not only do I want to die because of this but I’ve been currently homeless and jobless for 2 months thanks to this pandemic. I just see no silver lining coming anytime soon and I believe it’s my time to go. If you have gotten this far into my post, I greatly appreciate you for reading and giving it your attention. I simply had to let it all out in writing once and for all.