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Site visitor for 5 years, this is my first post.

by ceasetoexist

I want to start off by saying I’ve been coming on this site for 5 years now and reading all your stories and finding comfort in them. I haven’t had the urge to make an account and speak my truth till now. I feel extremely defeated by life. I am 24 and I’m ready to go.  I’ve struggled with mental illness for about 13 years now and it progressively gets worse as I get older. I believe it all stemmed when I was 5, I was raped by a family remember repeatedly for 2 years. I was very young but I knew what was happening was wrong , I told my mom and she didn’t believe me. Everyone in my family thought I was lying. At school I passed a note telling someone what happened to me and I remember getting suspended for it. Nothing was ever done about it. So as I grew older I’ve always had self esteem issues and been in and out of mental hospitals. I have tried all kinds of medicine and different doctors even did some bullshit hypnosis because I have literally tried everything under the sun. I asked for a lobotomy and apparently I don’t qualify because I don’t take the anti psychotics they give me. I don’t take them because they sedate me and make me feel so apathetic when really I’m a very caring emotional person. My self esteem issues have put me in relationships with men who could careless about me. I’m always getting cheated on or left for someone else. This destroys me and just makes me think what the hell is wrong with me. Why does everyone leave ? Why am I never good enough ? So I thought I found someone who truly loved me. We were together 3 years (yeah not a lot to some people) and I had two miscarriages with this person. He never showed up to the hospital when I was having neither of them, he also left me for another woman while I was pregnant with the second baby. This destroyed me of course and I got extremely low and sick and my baby also ended up passing away at 11 weeks. I come to find I have a gene mutation called MTHFR (yeah I’m not joking that’s the acronym) that is the cause to my miscarriages and mental and physical illnesses. The doctor told me I’m basically going infertile and it will be extremely hard for me to ever have a kid. As a woman, it has devastated me and thrown me into a dark hole. Not that women are only here to procreate but me, I, have always wanted to be a mother. When I heard that I shut down and started experiencing depersonalization and agoraphobia where I didn’t leave my house for 8 months. I grew extremely scared of people and my own psych. I began to force myself to leave the house one week and I met somebody. An older man, 23 years my senior. He of course does not look his age so I began speaking to him and he just made me feel so good about myself like no one has before. We began to date shortly after that, he was amazing. He began to change later on becoming verbally abusive and even physically abusive one time, I still adored him with all my being. I’ve been seeing him about a year and a half now but have recently caught him seeing another woman. I am destroyed. It has happened once again, I am never enough for someone no matter what I do. I’m afraid it’s just going to be a continuous cycle my whole life. Just going to attract people who don’t ever truly love me and I’m never going to have the kids I’ve always wanted. Not only do I want to die because of this but I’ve been  currently homeless and jobless for 2 months thanks to this pandemic. I just see no silver lining coming anytime soon and I believe it’s my time to go. If you have gotten this far into my post, I greatly appreciate you for reading and giving it your attention. I simply had to let it all out in writing once and for all.


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SadPotato 5/24/2020 - 11:44 am

It’s good to hear that you’ve found some comfort from this site. I hope you find some peace with whatever you choose.

I’d just like throw out two things you can think about if you decide to stay. Firstly, have you ever thought about adoption? The approval process would be hard, but it wouldn’t be impossible if you found yourself in better circumstances in the future. But I know, with the global pandemic, it’s easier said than done to get to those better circumstances. And secondly, building up your self-esteem would require time on your own. It would be time spent discovering hobbies you enjoy and other healthy sublimation activities. A healthier self-esteem would help you to stand on your own and also help with identifying and avoiding toxic people.

Anyway, it’s all just some food for thought. And I hope venting all of this into writing gave you some small bit of catharsis.

ceasetoexist 5/24/2020 - 6:15 pm

Yeah I’ll probably look into adoption when I’m in better circumstances definitely. Even though I have heard it is a long and hard process like you said. And yes I really need to work on my self esteem. I even feel sorry for the men who cheated on me. I still try to analyze why they did what they did and of course find some way to blame myself. But I appreciate you taking time out of your day to read my post. I honestly didn’t think anyone was going to read it.

muspelhem 5/24/2020 - 6:45 pm

I think what a lot of women get wrong about men is that they overestimate how similar the sexes are. So, because most women are on some level – even if only subconsciously – looking for Prince Charming, they often seem to assume that men are broadly the same. And they overestimate how committed the guy is.

Guys, meanwhile, even if they might also subconsciously be looking for The One, also tend to be slaves to a sex drive that makes them want to sleep with a sizeable proportion of the women they meet on any given day. Which means that despite the noblest of intentions, sex (and, crucially, variation in partners) looms large.

Furthermore, guys learn early on that women aren’t as a rule crazy about this sex drive of theirs. Women don’t like to be objectified, treated like a piece of meat, etc.

So what does the smart guy do? He hides his motives. He pretends to want what society deems socially acceptable. He pretends to be the good guy, because he knows that it’s a passport that will get him into your pants.

And women, despite their social savvy, their huge distrust of men in general, keep falling for it. Again, and again, and again.

So if I was reincarnated as a woman, and got to take my experiences as a man with me, I would judge men on their actions – not their words.

And those sexy guys who I knew on some level would treat my like shit sooner or later, I would probably reserve them for no-strings-attached sex, rather than pursue committed relationships with them.

Because you’re up against thousands of generations of evolution, and all the wishful thinking in the world isn’t going to change the nature of men.

ungrateful_bastard (boxcar) 5/24/2020 - 11:38 pm

This sounds like an anti-male pamphlet.
This might be true about some teenagers coming of age, but not all men are this way. You need to walk with someone in their heart, and pay attention to how they respect your boundaries over a good period of time. Anyone that is too charming in the beginning / is just charming. You want to wait be patient/ for that special someone to see you as a person/ truly want to know you. Don’t blame yourself/insecurities for their* lack of understanding themselves/relationship mgmt skills needs.
Some just don’t understand the difference between shallow / temporary love and committed/earned trust and working through faults.

ungrateful_bastard (boxcar) 5/24/2020 - 11:42 pm

Really, muspelhem, you’re describing maturity when it comes to looking for the one. Both sexes are guilty of being shallow minded in regards to wishes to grow old with someone. Lol it’s called learning at first/some never do.

ungrateful_bastard (boxcar) 5/24/2020 - 11:44 pm

Kind of wondering what your favorite book is…by a male author and why …. Lol … Getting sidetracked. .

ungrateful_bastard (boxcar) 5/24/2020 - 11:47 pm

“So what does the smart guy do? He hides his motives. He pretends to want what society deems socially acceptable. He pretends to be the good guy, because he knows that it’s a passport that will get him into your pants.

And women, despite their social savvy, their huge distrust of men in general, keep falling for it. Again, and again, and again.”
How’d I guess before I saw it tht u were male LOL

Thishastobeadream 5/25/2020 - 4:19 pm

I usually don’t reply to posts, but I had to because of the generalizations about both genders.

“And those sexy guys who I knew on some level would treat my like shit sooner or later, I would probably reserve them for no-strings-attached sex, rather than pursue committed relationships with them.”

This reads like ” “nice guy”, women don’t know how to pick men, and should instead date men they aren’t attracted to that will treat them better. ” I’m a guy and it’s not like men are any better and want to have relationships with women they aren’t attracted to.

Also not like men wouldn’t stay in a relationship with an abusive woman if he thought she was attractive.

muspelhem 5/26/2020 - 12:04 am

Dude, I feel like you’re reading way more into my comment than what I intended to say. I’m not saying every man is a shit who just wants to use women, or that only women are naïve when it comes to love. I know many women are more experienced than I will probably ever be. I’ve just repeatedly met women lamenting that men don’t treat them well, and then you look at the men they choose to date, and it’s like the guy is such a douche it is literally visible from space. These women are not all women, and those men are not all men. My comment seems to have pissed you off for some reason, and I’m not sure why. I get that maybe it sounded clueless and condescending, if that is what you think, sue me.

Hazy Day Sunflower 5/25/2020 - 9:24 pm

yes to all of this. Regardless how long you know the person.

Sbilko 5/24/2020 - 11:51 am

Thank you for sharing your story! I’m truly very sorry for what happened to you when you were little, and for your parents, family members, teachers and classmates not believing you. It must have been incredibly hard for you! Especially the miscarriages and their father leaving you when you most needed him, I can’t even imagine how incredibly much that must have hurt, nor how much it still hurts.

Have you ever had a pet? A cat, a dog or something else? The cute, happy animal would truly desire your presence, your care, your love.

ceasetoexist 5/24/2020 - 6:23 pm

I used to have pets when I was younger but not at the moment. I do love the unconditional love animals give but that probably won’t happen for some time Especially under the circumstances I’m in probably won’t be an option for awhile.

But thank you for reading it and replying to me. I greatly appreciate everyone who replied and hope you all have better days.

no name 5/24/2020 - 5:11 pm

i can kinda relate. i get the whole guy thing. they only ever saw the outside not what was inside. and i kinda get the child thing to only mine is more of an option. i understand that i can never mentally have one although ive always wanted to adopt. the whole hospital check ups, the physical pain and god forbid the child is born with any defects, not that i wouldnt love them any less just that the emotional state of the child and having all those hospital trips. plus i just couldnt happily raise a child in this horrible world where youre either the bully or the victim, but if its already alive i could at least make its life better. but like i said, i understand that i mentally just cant do it. it really is disheartening, i know its left me crying a few times.

ceasetoexist 5/25/2020 - 1:09 am

I think of what you said too if bringing a child would bring more harm than good. I don’t want them to suffer like I have, I of course would try to take care of them as best as I could. But of course have to fix myself first if anything…

no name 5/25/2020 - 1:58 am

The problem isn’t only yourself. You can be the best mother in the whole world but that doesn’t stop the bullies and everything else that is out of your control. It really would be better if the world was a nicer place. Not just for children but for everyone and then (aside from like car accidents and stuff) mental disorders wouldn’t really be a thing because no one would be inflicting the trauma upon others. I’ll never understand why people feel the need to be selfish and only care about themselves when working together would be best for everyone.

muspelhem 5/24/2020 - 5:18 pm

I found your post interesting, and I am always impressed by people who have been lurking here without feeling the urge to post. I admire their restraint/interest in others/whatever you want to call it.

I think one problem with depression and the pessimism I suppose it causes, is that it narrows your focus. So you get tunnel vision, and miss more and more opportunities, and door after door seems to close to you. It’s like you are slowly painting yourself into a corner and you feel powerless to stop.

I would encourage you to actively look for opportunities, in order to practise broadening your outlook, so that all you see is not closed doors, blocked passages and walled-up windows.

On another note, lots of women (and probably some men too) seem to suffer from your affliction: they keep ending up with partners who don’t treat them well.

I understand that it is difficult, because you are obviously drawn to these people. People who don’t need you can seem fascinating and strong, and you can want to be a part of that, despite the coldness that comes with it.

I don’t know the answer – but I do think that like all of us, you have strengths and weaknesses and are neither all good or all bad. So there is no reason to treat yourself as if you are all bad, because that overlooks your good qualities.

I like to watch those restoration videos on YouTube where some skilled person patiently restores a piece of junk to pristine condition. I love that they see the potential in those artifacts and slowly bring it out by cleaning, repairing, painting, polishing, etc.

I wonder if one can do the same with oneself. Yes, there are flaws, yes there are weaknesses, yes there are scars and regrets, there is shame, there is ageing, there is entropy, illness, trauma, and eventually, there will be death. But what if one could put that to one side for a moment and try to bring out what is useful in oneself, what is valuable, what is beautiful, graceful, pure, exciting, strong, interesting, resourceful, etc.?

What if one could polish the proverbial turd?

ceasetoexist 5/25/2020 - 1:13 am

Yeah I have been spending too much time alone and I lose control of my thoughts. I love building stuff and I’m about to watch those restoration videos you’re talking about. Definitely wouldn’t hurt to learn a thing or two till I make up my mind.

Soda 5/25/2020 - 1:20 am

OP, I’d say most of us here came from dysfunctional homes/bkgds. I’ve learned so much since I was a kid, lessons I wish I knew about people early on.

The fact is that none of us exist in a vacuum and so we all get judged by our looks, confidence or lack thereof, money/status, education, etc.

The thing is that even our best intentions sometimes get misinterpreted as a sign of weakness, rather than say helpfulness for instance. It’s a fine line and you won’t know what people are really thinking except by the way they treat you.

I used to be pretty caring, esp with friends/families. I was naive and I think in some ways that helped me to dodge potentially worse problems in my life.

Eventually however I realized that most people are very self-centered, they take you for granted, they only use others as a means to an end rather than an end in itself.

Given the way the guys have treated you, your mistake is to assume that there’s something wrong with you. The reality is that most people out there are pretty fkd up. Of course we all know how to pretend to be nice to get the things we want, but that’s not how most people really are on the inside.

Additionally, it’s hard for us men to settle when you’re tempted by so many attractive women out there. That’s partly why I’m single now because I just couldn’t be satisfied with one person, esp if I got attention from other beautiful girls.

So again it has nothing to do with you personally, but guys just love the chase…they don’t want to settle but they do when they realize they’re getting older, less attractive and don’t want to be alone.

You had a terrible experience, I have as well when I was bullied by another kid who was well connected-I lost my confidence and it literally took me years to get that back, I didn’t know it at the time though. I wasn’t afraid of the kid but his big brother was a scary tall athletic jock with a bad attitude (I was in grade 9 at the time) and he had at least 10 goons he could rely on. So I couldn’t do much or I’d end up getting my ass kicked.

That’s just one experience of many other bad situations in life I’ve had to go through. However at the same time, I’ve also had many great ones as well. So my life has been a mixed bag, which is why I decided to keep living-for now.

In short just think of everyone as individuals who are out for themselves. Sometimes your interests align with theirs and that person would be a keeper, but 90% won’t.

I’ve notice in general girls are not very adept at reading male cues and intentions, though most guys can easily see what’s really going on. I’d recommend listening more carefully to what guys say and how they treat you. They usually drop clues that they’re azzholes pretty early.

Also don’t take yourself for granted. You might have unique qualities appealing to another guy. I used to try to date the prettiest girls I could get until I met my ex-gf’s friend. She was cute, slim but mostly a plain Jane. She had a thing for me initially then she gave up, later I developed a crush on her but missed my chance.

What I mean is it’s not all about looks, personality also matters a lot. If you give off vibes of neediness or lacking self-confidence, that can turn guys off (as much as girls) so if a guy doesn’t treat you with respect, have the courage to leave him and find someone who will, it’s a numbers game.

As for having kids, I come from a broken home and hate my dad for leaving us. So I’d suggest not to bring kids into the world unless you can afford them, have a stable home and hopefully two caring parents who can be there for at least the first 20 years or so of their lives.

I know most women desire to have children since that’s what their biology drives them to do. But just use common sense, if you can’t give them a decent life, it’s better not to have any, imho.

no name 5/25/2020 - 2:05 am

“Additionally, it’s hard for us men to settle when you’re tempted by so many attractive women out there”

That’s not true for all men, although however, yes most of them, but I know with my husband anyway I’M the one pointing out the hot chicks. He wasn’t even paying attention lol. He wouldn’t even cheat on me when I begged him to on several occasions.

Soda 5/25/2020 - 12:53 pm

Ya there are some men who don’t really care about looks but I was talking about the majority of normal men. Why would you want your spouse to cheat on you? Perhaps he’s content being with you only.

no name 5/25/2020 - 4:20 pm

im sure there was a good reason at the time but i dont remember it now. although that doesnt mean i would say anything if he did now because i probably wouldnt.

Arbk 5/25/2020 - 9:39 pm

I’m really sorry for everything!! I wish I could make it better and fix it somehow!!!

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