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Ten years ago and counting

by ladicius

I’ve been suicidal since I was twelve years old, the first time I was hospitalized for an attempt. Maybe it started when I was eleven or ten; it gets fuzzy as the years pass. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I and CPTSD – the double whammy of extreme proportions. I thought that when I stopped doing drugs, started taking medication, started exercising, left my abusive relationship, started my transfer to a prestigious university, etc. etc. a million.. I thought these feelings would leave me. I thought that the traumatic memories, the extremes of mood, I thought that they would all disappear. Here I am, the poster child of “managing it” and I still here the chitters of flashbacks, and am on the roller coaster of polar opposites. I try to rationalize and have done everything in my power to heal. How am I supposed to stop my brain from destroying myself when it seems like that is its only prerogative?

I can’t tell anyone. I feel my voice caught in my throat because of the reactions I’ve previously experienced when I’ve opened up about my mental health. So I decided to come here. I think some of you might understand where I’m coming from. I wish that none of you could relate. When I was a child I hoped that I could take everyone’s pain because I knew what it felt like. I know that’s not the case here. I know that all of you have stories just like mine, so I knew that I would be safe here. My mouth refuses to speak, so I hope my hands are enough.

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ThouShallSee 5/10/2020 - 10:45 am

Sigh… When i was young i think around 4 or 5 i didn’t like seeing those around me in pain. It made me wanted to bear all those feelings with me.. even tho i went through mental struggle inside my head i always try and makes things better. I didn’t like spotlight or attention. I was always at the sidelines supporting people. Even to those that i didn’t get along with. But most importantly i hope all goes well for you. Try using your weakness against yourself. See how far you go?.. confront it and embrace it… It’s a choice tho. I tried it and passed my fears.. fly freely

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