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It’s all coming back

by inabigforest

About 3 years ago, I had my first “real” suicide attempt after I was raped at prom (I don’t count all the times I went to sleep with things tight around my neck). For a year or two after, I struggled with suicidal and shame-filled thoughts and was desperate to find an escape. I finally did in the form of my boyfriend who came with a brand new family and a brand new life. For a while I forgot about all the trauma and sadness, I was able to bury it deep under all the new excitement and hope I had. Unfortunately, for the past few months the intrusive thoughts and unexplainable sadness has returned. I have nothing to be sad about but I constantly have a sadness at the root of my thoughts. My boyfriend tells me my “sad aura” has returned. I wish my mind would stop telling me I should just kill myself, I don’t want to die at all. I just want to be ok. Depressions always lurking, waiting for me to trip up.
Maybe ill try going to the doctors again. Hopefully they’ll help me this time round. And if there is a god, I hope that whoever they are, they’ll finally relieve some pain

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a1957 7/29/2020 - 8:33 pm

I relate. I am older than you by a long shot but the details are a lot the same. Yes, new love makes all the pain seem to go away but then it comes back. Each time I married (three times) all was well for a while but the pain always came back. Each time I got a new girl friend it was same thing too.

I hope you can make a good connection with a therapist and get the help you deserve. Stay away from the mental drugs the doctors prescribe, they only serve to introduce many new problems.

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