I don’t know what gives. I put the gun to my head and get a rush of peace and euphoria that I want to ride out before I pull the trigger.. Then it stops and I go again, yet there’s that urge to ride that wave of temporary peace… It’s the best feeling. The cold metal against my skin, the weight in my hand, the rush… In the moments near death I feel the most alive… And I’m addicted to it. Knowing with 3 lbs of pressure it could all end. It brings a smile to my face in a way nothing else does.
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I remember that feeling but it’s quite scary at the same time. I hope you find a safer way to feel that happiness, to realize that you don’t have to do all you are doing and the world will be alright.
I know a man like you.. His girlfriend said something to him and it stuck.. And he went to a liquor store and drank until he couldn’t think. He blew off his jaw and screamed in agony, passed out in his driveway. He lost his teeth, his nose, his jaw…. but he survived.
When he talks about it, he talks about how it changed him. He saw what people “would’ve” thought had he not made it…. And his face is completely different, and the debt is outstanding..
Please put the damn thing somewhere else. You don’t know how much pain that could really bring you.