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Shattered Life

by BrokenNSad

Hello. I randomly stumbled across this site. Maybe it can help or maybe it its a waste of time. who knows, but here goes nothing.

I am a 30 year old African American male in Columbus Ohio. I recently moved back after my mother passed last month. It has been very devastating to me physically, emotionally, and psychologically (like death usually is from my understanding). I cant sleep well, I have to force myself to eat, and many days I dont even want to get out of bed. This stems from so much in my life while on the outside looks as though I’ve achieved much, I feel like a fraud and a failure. I quit my job in NY once Covid happened since I was so miserable. Every day was like waking up in another nightmare to go to work. I made great accomplishments there, made “friends”, became a mentor for the firm’s prestigious internships in the country, lead a team unofficially, and generally had admiration, respect, and power. Once things outside of my control, I lost all of it and was essentially seen as yet another grunt once again. However, even at the peak of my career, I was completely unhappy. Sure I had friends, but I had no one to talk to about what really was bothering me: my lack of a significant other, my lack of life’s purpose, and the recurring nightmare I had about my mother since moving to NY. I am a gay black man who doesnt subscribe to your typical LBGTQ+ culture. I tend to see things differently, and it kept/keeps me ostracized from  everyone. What also didnt help was fearing for rejection simply because of my skin color or having someone only like me for it. I know love takes a long time to develop, but it would have been a huge help to have someone that I could share all of my struggles with intimately as they do the same with me. I see many gay couples who are just so happy either married or have boyfriends and it pains me so much that I dont have the same. Even my straight friends have someone in their lives like that if they’re not parents. I tried to write it off as “it will come eventually” or “it will come when you stop searching” or whatever else they say about finding love; however, the pain of loneliness just kept getting to me. Feeling like I had nothing, no one to take those random walks outside with, no one to share the stupid moments with (the ones where you just do things just because that serve no real purpose). Obviously holidays were the worst so I cut off my social media so I didnt have to see it from others who were happy. It broke me mentally as I that surely by now I would at least meet one guy that I could be happy with. Even at work, everyone kept speaking of their wonderful families and children and whatnot. I buried that pain inward and tried to be strong. I buried myself in my work and alcohol as an excuse for not having a personal life with anyone. I had even contemplated suicide partially because of it. Regardless of where I went to socialize and mingle with new people (bars, clubs, museums, theaters, botanical gardens, you name it) there was not one person who was single and emotionally available to date. Everyone had boyfriends, was married, or wanted someone that knew just as much about Broadway and Drag Race as they did. It shattered me so much that I lost my passion. I lost my will to even care about my own life. Sure I had friends to talk to, but they can only help so much. I spoke to quite a few therapists and pastors and they werent of any help or use. Then I came to the realization that maybe I need to find my passion in life. But im 30! How on earth am I supposed to just find my passion when 1) I have to work all the time, 2) I’m so tired after work that I just want to go home and sleep/drink, and 3) it costs money that I dont have. I tried a few different things such as exercising, changing my wardrobe, giving myself affirmations, telling myself that I’m a catch and I will find purpose in this life. I tried learning new skills such as programming and listening to new music I would never have thought of before, but none of it worked. I found myself so bored with it all. This in fact happens with every new thing I try: I end up getting so bored by it since I dont have a mentor or anyone to connect with about it. The things I do actually enjoy such as fighting games, comic books, and pro wrestling have all been riddled with things that made them unenjoyable to me anymore. I dont know how to go about finding my purpose in life. I tried meditation, going to church, praying, trying to go out into the world, and it left me soulless and dead inside. What pains me even more is that I see so many of my friends who had a mentor (whether it be a teacher, parent, coach, etc…) help them find their passion and purpose in life and I wanted that for myself. Everything I and my mother have (since it was a single parent/only child situation) we earned so without any real passion for what were doing. It didnt make us want to wake up in the morning, like every day was just counting down until the day we died. Nothing really meant anything. And now that my mother is gone, I have no hope, will, passion, love, career, or even desire to live. What makes matters worse is that I fear for my life every day now being a black man in America with the racial tension and whatnot and I cant even confide in my mother or ask her guidance (not that she would have known really what to say either). Every day since her passing, I’ve felt rage, emptiness, anger, loneliness, fear, and despair. Like I said, I have friends, but they can only help so much, especially if I envy how their talents have served them well and being my age while mine have just gotten me a meaningless career. I feel like my entire life is just a big joke. I renounced my faith in Christianity since I could no longer take “it will happen one day” or “God works in mysterious ways” or some other preached excuse for why life is horrible for me seemingly but great for others. I dont even have anything to be thankful for (and no being alive isnt enough, whats the point of life if you’re not doing something with it or dont even have a purpose?). Somedays I am jealous of those less fortunate than me since they can be content with doing what they have to do getting through the day. I had dreams of attaining power and status through my gifts (whatever those are), but I have no one behind me. The only person I did was my mother, though she did what she could, she never had the answer for me. Ive interacted with people from all walks of life and no one could help me. I’ve seen therapists, counselors, pastors, and no one has any useful advice for me, which leaves me feeling like God wants me to figure everything out myself. I even prayed to Him every day for 30 years, read my bible, went to church when I could, and still nothing. Meditation didnt work. Volunteering only left me angry that I was helping someone else but no one could help me despite my pleas. With my mother gone, I feel all alone in this world, like no one truly cares about me. Which goes back to why Im so sad I dont have a significant other. Sure, my friends are there for me, but they cant be there 24/7 or even a large majority of the time, and I try not to be a burden to them. I have to stand on my own two feet, but I dont even know how to stand. The thoughts of depression and suicide constantly course through my mind. Things I once enjoyed I dont anymore.

Sorry if this is long, but I had no where else to go with this. It was on my heart and I wanted to get it off my chest. I just feel so broken, shattered, and hopeless. Im afraid I’ll go these next few years to be old and never find the answers I’m looking for

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2 comments

Sbilko 7/22/2020 - 1:26 am

Hi BrokenNSad,

Your post is really beautiful and heartfelt, Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I’m really sorry for losing your mother, and for feeling lonely, lost, unsatisfied with work, feeling discriminated against because of your skin color, feeling fearful, and so much more.

“I’ve seen therapists, counselors, pastors, and no one has any useful advice for me, which leaves me feeling like God wants me to figure everything out myself.”
Why not try to, though? What is the highest thing you can do in your situation (and this goes for everyone) but pursue the highest truth possible?

Yeah, the Protestant preachers can often be unrealistically positive. They lack this sense of reality, that carrying the cross is painful, and not taking it is too, that can be found in Orthodox Christianity.

Heyy, 30 years old isn’t too old to search for purpose! I used to think that God wants me to go study Medicine, so I tried my best in high school where it mattered; but it wasn’t enough. I felt my perspective of reality and plans for the future, to be completely shattered. So I had to search for the highest purpose, the highest meaning. I started with what I can be sure of: “okay, so I have 1 life, what is the highest thing one can do with it?”; after 3 years of restless searching I found all the answers I needed, I found my purpose.

Search, for if you don’t search it’ll eat you from the inside. I don’t know you, but I Love you, brother!

maryjain1e 7/23/2020 - 1:10 am

hey. i’m here for you 🙂 you’re not alone, thank you for sharing this with us. things certainly get better

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