Tired and Dark

I’m lost. I’m lost and tired. Tired of always being a disappointment to everyone everywhere. Tired of no one loving me the way I love them. My own mother can’t even try to listen with some kind of compassion when I’m in pain. I lost all my old friends to my narcissistic ex husband who makes an impressive (to everyone but me) high six figure salary for someone who didn’t even go to college and bull shits his way through life. (They all followed the money.) And because of that, he always hold over my head that he can take the kids at a drop of a hat because he can afford to keep me in court every day of my life if he wants to. I had a falling out with someone that I thought was a friend. And now, because I wouldn’t accept her apology for the craziness that she stirred up (the first go around) she’s completely destroying my life with complete BS lies about me and my new fiancé. Oh yeah, I got engaged just a little over a month ago after almost four years together but today I find out that he’s been confiding in a girl for about three weeks now saying that he doesn’t want to get married again. Oh, and my kids ADORE him. Probably more so than they do me. I know my daughter told me that she likes him more than her dad multiple times now. The lies that she has been making up about me are so bad that it about made me loose my new job at the end of the first week. Oh, I should probably tell you That I didn’t finish college because I was offered my dream job as a flight attendant with a great airline. I got laid off after 9/11 but by that time I had met my now ex husband and started what I thought would be a promising relationship with him. When I was called back to work, we were then engaged and the wedding was in two weeks. I was offer the call back with the stipulation to relocate in two weeks. I declined the invitation and married him even though I knew I was making the wrong decision on so many different levels. Mainly though because we were already having so many problems and I knew in my gut that I didn’t love him. But I felt obligated because my parents had already shelled out so much money for a huge wedding that I would have felt like a disappointment again for wasting all that money. We got pregnant only two months into the marriage with my first born, a son who is now almost 15. Then again two years later with my daughter. After 10 years of marriage he tells me he wants a divorce IN AN EMAIL! I later found out it was because he was having an affair with the housekeeper. He was a horrible husband anyway though. Always stayed out all hours of the night while I stayed at home with the kids. I became resentful of that very fast. The divorce was long and very ugly. Right before the divorce was final, I met the most amazing guy. Imagine my surprise to find out it was the housecleaners soon to be ex husband. WTH? We quickly became best friends. Like the kind that is even a stronger bond than the one that I’ve had with my HS best friend. So fast forward four years and here we are now. Completely and utterly broken and can’t go on anymore. The lies, the hurt, the deception. I’m tired of always trying to be my best self every day just to always come up short every day of my life. I know my best isn’t as good as what everyone else has going for them. My anxiety has control of the majority of my life even though I’m medicated for it. We bought a big beautiful house at the end of January. The fiancé was supposed to be starting a new job that would guarantee no more problems making ends meet with a good Cush. Then Covid came along and threw a wrench in that. About half of our bills go unpaid every month. And it’s not like I can just go out and find something better that pays more cause you know, didn’t finish school, remember? Believe me, I’ve tried. No one wants me. They say the one that loves the most is always the one to get hurt. I find this completely accurate. No one will ever be able to love me the way I love them. And even when I have lowered my expectations, I’m still left feeling hurt. The truth is, I have felt like this on and off for the majority of my life. I was always the awkward kid who had a hard time making friends. Just a few weeks ago I thought this is it. This is my happy ending. I have truly found complete happiness in my best friend. And the boom, just like that my whole world is upside down again. Will things get better? Probably. But I also know that things are going to be shit for a long time before they do. And after they’re better again, it’s only a matter of time before everything is complete shit again. Everyone else around me seems to be able to deal with the ups and down of life and love and loss just fine. But I’m not one of those people and I’m tired of always feeling the pain. I may have about 15 people that would show up for my funeral. But everyone will get over me just like they always do. I however never seem to be able to get over the pain of being such a great disappointment to everyone I care about. To my kids, I love you more than anyone in this whole world could ever love you. I don’t care what anyone says. I will always love you the most. Mama just isn’t as strong as everyone else to include you two beautiful human beings. Take care of each other. Love each other strongly, build each other up and support one another every day in all that you do. To my ex husband and his **** of a wife now, fuck you both! I hope you both rot in hell one day for all the horrible things you have both done and said. To the girl I thought was a friend but turned out to be sick, twisted and evil, I hope my ex and his wife save you a seat down under cause I know the things you’ve done in your life just since we’ve know each other and honey, they ain’t pretty. You dear are a big part of why I’m doing this and I hope you live with the pain that you caused me and my fiancé every day of your life. Just proves that when I let someone in trust them with my heart, I always get fucked in the end. And the fact that you decided to tell all of your church that I have suicidal thoughts and to pray for me! *****, I know all about you! I know the truth and I have always backed you up 100%. How dare you reek havoc on two people that were always there for you just because we cared enough about you to want to help you. I really do pray you come to the funeral so you can reread all the messages full of hate and lies that you vomited all over my phone for days on end. I plan on printing them all up and making a little booklet for everyone to have so they can see just what a horrible person you are. To my wild woman in FL, I could never be as strong as you. I love you with all my heart. And pray that one day you find true happiness. To my Mom, Dad, brother and his wife and girls. I’m sorry. I always tried my best but I’m just not wired the same and have always felt my shortcomings. I’m sorry that my best was not as good as everyone else. To my fiancé’s girls. Y’all never have and you never really will understand just how much I love you both. I wish you two were my own natural girls as well. I’m so proud of you both. I know I’m not your Mama and I would never want to ever take you two from her or turn you against her. To the best thing that ever happened to me besides my kids, words simply can not explain the love that I have for you. Love I thought could never exist and be reciprocated back to me. Wow, I found my true soul mate. I’m sorry that you felt like I was pressuring you to get married again. I’m sorry that you caved in and asked me to marry you just to turn around and tell me the truth a month later. That you don’t ever want to get married again. I’m sorry that I’m embarrassed to the point that I can’t go on anymore. I feel like a fucking joke. So proud to call you mine forever and get have a celebration of marriage with our friends and loved ones. To you, it may have just been a legal piece of paper but to me it was so much more. A commitment before God, our family and friends that we will always be together and love each other till the very end. Now I feel like you’re ashamed of me. I know the things that your ex did and said about you. We lived it together. How could you ever think I could ever be capable of doing something like that to you. I love you! She never did! Where she was only about herself, I’m about everybody BUT myself! It don’t cry for me when I’m gone, because you never cried for me ever before. I’m sorry that I have a crippling fear of loosing the people that I love in this world. It doesn’t matter any more though cause now I won’t ever have to have that fear again. Maybe it’s because I have been abandoned so many times in my life before that I’m scared to loose people. I don’t know but clearly it’s a major defect on my end. I feel no matter what I do I always end up making mistakes. I’m sorry for all of my wrongs, faults and failures. You will all never have to be inconvenienced by me again. Please know I love you all very much with all of my heart, more than the wide, wide world. There is not anything in the world I wouldn’t have done for each and every one of you. I’m sorry. I’m so very, very sorry.