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by anon123

I don’t quite know why I’m writing this. I guess I just wanted to share my story. Reading through posts here has helped me. I know I’ve had a better life than most and I shouldn’t feel the way I do. I guess that’s what makes me feel worse… I have all the ingredients to have had a good life but I’ve messed it all up and it’s only me to blame. I’ve self harmed and felt suicidal from about 15. I’m coming up to half of my life lived this way. I always get told by doctors and councillors that this is temporary and will pass with time. They’ve read through my notes and they’ll still say that “this time we’ll sort it out.” As though this is a big failure on my part and sheer will can overcome it. To those of you who wonder why you’re not better yet, I just want to say it’s not your fault. There are so many factors in recovery.  For some people it may be temporary for some of us this is life. That’s not due to you. I wish people would tell me that rather than feeding the thoughts that there’s something wrong inside of me.

I don’t think I’m capable of being loved. That is my main issue with life. I have given myself and broken myself into tiny pieces to save friends and family but I have had very limited experiences of others caring about me. I have been engaged twice in my life, at 18 and 20. The one from 18 sexually assaulted me and physically abused me. The one from 20 emotionally abused me and tried to isolate me. I don’t connect well with other and I’m bad at social cues (ASD) but I also try to always see the good in people. My partners started off chivalrous, they were broken people too. I cared, I listened and I helped in the way that I’ve always wanted someone to do for me. This was repaid with abuse, I’m still not sure what I did. After they left me they went on to have healthy relationships. My next one was kind and boring. I’d hoped that if they weren’t broken they wouldn’t break me even more. But they did,  worse than before. I lost all my friends due to a friend being obsessed with him, which he knew about for years but never warned me. We stayed together and I tried to start again, whilst financially supporting them. Their work was more important than mine and me. He was due to propose and I got pregnant. I was told I couldn’t have kids when I was 19 so I was overjoyed. He didn’t want it. It wasnt convenient. I’d have to stop working and supporting him. We weren’t married.  We could try again in six months. So I again sacrificed a piece of myself for them, they weren’t present at any stage of it. I couldn’t forgive them. All the crying arguments where I’d begged them to stay with me and keep it. The horror of the procedure that went wrong, the emptiness and the loneliness I felt. I wasn’t to talk about it or mourn. Then I met someone like me, someone I felt a deep connection to and cared for with all my heart. I sacrificed and cared again. Only for it to be a secret, to pretend to not even really know me around shared friends. Because I’m not good enough.

So I’m truly alone. I try so hard and yet I get treated like dirt. People scare me now. I’m waiting for them to hurt me, terrified of what I might not be picking up. What I may need to give up next. My only reason for living is that I don’t want to hurt anyone by having them find me. I just want to fade away naturally from everyone so they dont even remember me when I go.

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