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I have a plan and am thinking of moving along with it.

by ivygradhc

I do make an effort to follow my therapist’s advise and use methods I have learned to steer my mind away from the dark thoughts which have plagued me for the last 45 years.  Sometimes this works and I can get myself on a positive track but it is not a stable track.    Too many of the triggers I have for dark thoughts are around me and I am unable to control that.   I have limited my access to news feeds and am careful what I read on social media, but there are too many things out there.   Our country and world seem to be sinking,  My work which I normally love is getting to me, my health is not great, and I am not communicating with my wife well at all.   Because of the COVID and her work she and I are living apart and I have been unable to tell her how I feel.    All in all I do not seem to be able to control anything.   Again my therapists advise to get a perspective on it is good.   Deal with the things I can, and accept the things I can.   Sounds familiar because it is the jist of the serenity prayer.    The problem is I am losing the wisdom to figure out which is which.

I am almost 60 and feel obsolete in all regards.    I do not want to make a big statement and say help me or get attention.   I just want to disappear from it all.  Is that too much to desire.     What has saved me from taking this further in the past is not having a plan.     When I do have a plan I want it to be a “sure thing” and it has to be painless and not have any moment of last few seconds of terror/fear (jumping of a building will not do).  I’ve wanted it to be a way that I can hopefully just go to sleep.      Well,  I have thought through that now and have something that should work, but it will take a few days to get it all into place obtaining the right supplies (No I am not going to share it for obvious reasons)  I do wonder if I start the process that I should try one more time to not do this.  In the past I have found myself calling my therapist or going to the ER when I was in process of putting my plan in action.   My question to me is am I at that place now.

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a1957 10/18/2020 - 11:35 pm

I cut back most kinds of media exposure to near nil to minimize triggers.
At 63 I fight obsolescence myself and seem to winning that battle by actually working on things that are obsolete yet still useful.
I really wonder how anybody gets to that now is the time to go state. I know few do and most don’t, what a mystery. I thought I knew, really knew, but alas I didn’t.

JudgeMeNot 10/29/2020 - 7:03 pm

Good luck.

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