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Depressed City Boy

by Virus.Found

I was trying so immensely to have ONE positive day once in a while. It worked for like 5 hours and then my head started to make up the worst possible scenarios again. And I overspilled with my words AGAIN. Nobody wants to hear my thoughts.

I’m starting to think I have mania, I’m going crazy man. I could pick up a school bus with this overflow of energy. And I can’t sleep. I could not f@cking sleep for days. I’m a sound sleeper, that’s extremely unusual to me.

I thought I was okay for today, I really did think so. But then there was nobody to talk to at all. I even spoke to people I don’t necessarily like. Yesterday at night someone set a trash bin on fire outside. It was bright orange and it looked beautiful, not going to lie. Police was already in the neighborhood, as usual. I took some cool photos. Something happened in my life, I need to tell pe- ..oh, wait. Nobody cares, right..

Apparently it’s a holiday or something, so everyone’s busy and I don’t care about that bullsh@t. My friend asked me, if I was going to put up a real or plastic tree. Try neither. I can’t fit that monster into my flat.! My friends all have beautiful houses. The only dance I have space for at home, is to spin around myself. My friends have a great life. Mine is filled with an occasional illegal bonfire in front of my home. Jealousy is a nasty thing for sure.

Anyway, I just flipped out on my friend, just for having a great day, while I was a lonely potato. I think I need to hurt myself again… I can’t stand this life anymore. I keep dropping silent suicidal bombs around everyone and nobody cares. I feel so unwanted and so.. wrong. Happy holidays to you dear reader…

6 comments
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6 comments

Monster 11/29/2020 - 8:04 pm

If you’re not afraid to post them on here, I’d like to hear your thoughts. I’m so very sorry about that thing that happened to you. I can’t speak for others, but I’d be surprised if there isn’t at least one other person on here who cares. I know we’re not the people you wish would care. You deserve for those people to care, and I’m sorry that they don’t.

You can get one of those tabletop trees. Not only does it take up less space, but it’s easy to set up!

I hope you’ll be able to get some sleep soon. Hopefully, you’ll feel at least a tiny bit better once you wake up. Rested.

I believe in you. This isn’t all your life has to be. You won’t have to live in that apartment forever. Who knows, there could come a day where you’re throwing a get-together at your house with a bonfire burning in the backyard. As you look into the fire, you’ll think of the trash bin fires people used to set outside your apartment building. You’ll be so glad you didn’t kill yourself. That can be a reality for you. I believe in you.

Happy holidays.

Virus.Found 11/30/2020 - 5:33 pm

Thank you kind Monster. I didn’t think, I would like positive backtalk but this made me smile 🙂 Actually when I read the terrible thing happening to people on here, my problems seem so small. But fact is, I’m extremely affectionate and I need others to give that back and most of the time they don’t.. (in a friend way I mean)

Over the years I grew to ‘want’ less, but it seems people are still too fed up with being there for each other. Someday kids just don’t play together on the yard anymore and I feel like the one still stuck there, waiting for their friends to show up. Adulthood is turning us into something ugly..

Great idea actually.! Last year we had a pineapple as a tree hahaha. You can still put on ornaments there.

I actually could sleep well today. Finally.!

Even though that’s highly unlikely, if there is a chance I come to a great amount of money and do buy that house. I will throw some parties for you guys.

Thanks for showing care, I needed that.!

williscalvin 11/29/2020 - 10:46 pm

I felt a wry sense of humor from this. Humor is fatal to suicide from what I can tell. I don’t like the conditions I live in either. I’ve lived in better and in worse. Jealousy, you’re right, is nasty. You’re not the only person who feels jealous–for certain. Even the people who have positively no reason to feel jealous feel jealous. Thank you for choosing a good attitude when the choosing is difficult. Happy coming holiday to you.

Virus.Found 11/30/2020 - 5:40 pm

Hah, you sensed right.! When I’m mad about something I get awfully sarcastic. Humor is the last thing I’ve got, that’s sort of positive. I’m sorry about that, I hope you’ll live in better conditions again. I also feel like people around me aren’t as jealous over certain things, as I am.. I wouldn’t say good attitude, but I also don’t want to sh*t all over someone. Because in the end they’re not even worth it, if it gets to that level of wanting to do that. Thanks, to you too.!

darkwillow 11/30/2020 - 3:40 pm

Most people want to be around positive, high energy people. It makes them feel good and they’re fun to be around. I’m going to assume that’s how most of the people in your life are. And if that is so, it makes sense that they dont want to be around you when your personality feels diminished.

But not all people are like that. Some people, especially the ones on this site, are the opposite. They dont like happy, energetic people. They like quiet, laid back, genuine people. Who talk about deep subjects and dont fake their happiness.

Maybe try to find more people like that. They’d always be there for you, and want to be around you

Virus.Found 11/30/2020 - 5:45 pm

You are absolutely correct.! That is the case. Whenever I share my feelings with them, they can’t relate at all and I feel like an outcast, thinking, is this really that wrong, to feel how I feel.? I always regret saying anything not happy truthfully. It’s so difficult to find genuine people, otherwise I wouldn’t struggle like that. I guess they’re treasures yet to find 🙂
Thanks for your insight.!

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