I’m friendly, I smile, I act interested in and welcoming towards people. I ask them questions about themselves, laugh at their jokes, agree with them, just generally try to be pleasant to be around.
I try to be extroverted and zany and funny, since that’s what people seem to like and respond well to, but it never, ever lands; people just look at me weird, then go back to what they were doing like I never spoke.
If I’m my quiet, introverted actual self, people quite literally don’t notice me, let alone talk to me or include me or invite me to things. It’s like I’m invisible; there’s been times I’ve spoken and the people around me have had such a non-reaction I started to wonder if I’d spoken out loud or just in my head.
I just have no idea what I’m doing wrong, or what else I can try to make myself attractive to people socially. I feel like everyone got “how to socialise” classes in school that I somehow missed. I’m 25 for God’s sake, I shouldn’t be this useless at socialising, let alone dating. I wouldn’t even care if it didn’t make me so damn lonely. What kind of sick cosmic joke is that? “Make it a human with zero social skills, but also make it get crippling depression from being alone all the time.”
My bio family are assholes, and the friends I do have are wrapped up in their own lives/have their own problems and understandably don’t have much time for me. I just want to feel like someone values me, like someone would pick me out of a line-up and say “Her”. Doesn’t even need to be romantic, I just want someone to look at me and see something that matters. Am I really that ugly and boring and quiet that not one single person wants to be with me for me?
I feel like I’m not meant to have friends or a partner or a family, like I’m not meant to be here. I’ve never fit in anywhere, and I’m so useless at things that other people find easy I’m honestly starting to think it was a mistake I was ever born. I contribute nothing useful to the world that I can feel proud of, and if nobody even notices I’m here let alone cares, I don’t see why I should bother anymore. The world would be better off without me.