i am so, so tired

Have you been tested for ADHD at all? If what you’re experiencing feels more like “I *want* to do the thing (anything, or even everything), but can’t no matter how hard I try to force myself and I don’t know why”, vs “I could do it if I tried, but I’m *choosing* not to b/c I cba right now”, that might well be it. I’ve been in a similar place to where you sound like you are now, and getting an ADHD diagnosis completely changed my life. I realised I’m not the lazy fuck-up I always figured I was, my brain is just wired in a way that makes it impossible for me to focus or prioritise tasks, get started on things that should be “easy”, have any sense of time passing or how long it takes to do things, or switch my attention between tasks w/o medication. ADHD also affects socialising and relationships, makes me experience emotions super-intensely, and react very strongly to social rejection, real or perceived. The ADHD sub on Reddit is a great place to check out if you feel like this may fit for you.

All that being said, I appreciate it doesn’t help your current situation much. If I read your post correctly, you’re having to repeat a year of high school; that sucks majorly, and I completely understand how down and demotivated and angry you must be feeling. In a weird way though, this might actually be a good thing if we look at it a different way: repeating gives you another semester to get to the root of your difficulties and get them sorted out *before* going to college (which is even less forgiving than high school, and they can and will kick you out if you fail more than a certain number of classes. I don’t mean to scare you/depress you more by saying that, but it highlights how the current situation might actually be a blessing in disguise.)

If you can, I’d really recommend talking to your therapist/ your doctor/your parents if they’d be any help/someone from your school you can trust and who’d be helpful if possible about the difficulties you’re having: it’s a little tough for me to recommend strategies that might help since I don’t know you or your individual life situation. I understand about not wanting to burden people with your problems, but just consider: if a friend or family member of yours was struggling with this, would you want them to ask you for help? If so, they probably feel the same way, even if they don’t say or show it outright. Therapists, doctors, and teachers are literally paid to help people with stuff like this, so you’re not burdening them: they shouldn’t judge or ridicule you for your problems either, and if they do they shouldn’t be in the job in the first place.

If nothing else, please know that what you’re facing sounds entirely fixable with the right strategies and resources in place. The difficult part is letting people know there’s a problem and asking for help. It can be incredibly difficult and scary to do, but I sincerely hope you manage it: you deserve to be here, and things might not be quite as hopeless as they look right now if you can get some strategies put in place for dealing with your difficulties. Sending you strength, and hugs if you want ‘em.