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I should feel happy

by biggestEnemy

I should be happy, I know I should.

I feel lonely and tired. I have all the symptoms of serious depression I deal with daily for almost two years now. I fear that I will never be able to enjoy my life and to feel happy. I have all the things i ever wanted. I have beautiful and amazing wife, wellpaid job where everybody, including my bosses tell me how important I am and two amazing cats plus all the books I ever wanted to read. I have a great passion – my own music but still I cannot enjoy it because my feelings of anxiety 24/7, lightheadedness and pain in every inch of my body. I feel wrong and unwell although all the lab teats show I am healthy male.

Everything just seems plain wrong. My heart feels funny, my guts and head are hurting. I have no appetite and lost almost 35 kg of weight in last two years. Now I do have healthy weight but feel worse then when I was chubby fast food eater who did’nt give a damn about his health. I fear death is near me, and I feel as if I seriously disconnected with my body.

I fear I will never come back to feeling good about myself. That brings me to the edge but I really struggle daily to be there for my family and loved ones. I am just so tired with this and want to feel good just for a few minutes. That constant feeling of serious ilness, pain and beeing anxious all the time gives me suicidal thoughts.

I should be happy, I know i should. But it doesn’t work that way, does it?

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