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Been a While

by chinadoll4

I decided the other day that it’s not that I love my life, and that my mom was right – I’m just a coward for wanting to die. I got excited when corona popped up, and every new strain or word of poosible war (that’s new, but not surprising) gets me hopeful instead of scared. I almost got hit by a car the day before yesterday when I was getting the mail. Haven’t told anybody about that, so now you know something about me that nobody else does, I guess? I wasn’t scared; I was embarrased for almost getting hit. I guess that solidifies that I’m not feeling this way for some attention, even if I’m the only one who knows that I feel this way. I’ve been telling myself for the last few months that I won’t do anything to hurt myself, because I could never do that anyway, but I won’t go out of my way to stop anything from happening. I wear my mask on the rare occassion that I do go out, but I’m don’t think I’ll interfere if I’m put in danger. I don’t want to see the future. I don’t want to go out into a world that rejects me. I want to be gone and be forgotten. Yeah.

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fxd45tsp 1/10/2021 - 5:12 pm

Wanting to die is not cowardice, it might actually be an enlightened state, where someone recognize something about life that most “common people” will not or do not want to face. Because it would invalidate their own existence. So maybe you see things for what they truly are. And that might make you more attuned to realities of this world. More than most common people will ever notice. Ignorance is bliss I guess. But not so much for us.

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