I decided the other day that it’s not that I love my life, and that my mom was right – I’m just a coward for wanting to die. I got excited when corona popped up, and every new strain or word of poosible war (that’s new, but not surprising) gets me hopeful instead of scared. I almost got hit by a car the day before yesterday when I was getting the mail. Haven’t told anybody about that, so now you know something about me that nobody else does, I guess? I wasn’t scared; I was embarrased for almost getting hit. I guess that solidifies that I’m not feeling this way for some attention, even if I’m the only one who knows that I feel this way. I’ve been telling myself for the last few months that I won’t do anything to hurt myself, because I could never do that anyway, but I won’t go out of my way to stop anything from happening. I wear my mask on the rare occassion that I do go out, but I’m don’t think I’ll interfere if I’m put in danger. I don’t want to see the future. I don’t want to go out into a world that rejects me. I want to be gone and be forgotten. Yeah.
So… Donald Trump is the President of the United States…
I typed in “who is the president,” and Barack Obama came up. The clock switched, and I did it again. This time it was Trump’s mangly face smiling as if he just let one loose in the room and the blame was passed to the dog.
I swear, this joke of a man managed to pull off one of the greatest feats of the modern day. One hell of a farce he pulled out of his ass, huh?
I’m sitting here in class right now. My work is done, so I decided to go to youtube and watch the livestream of the inauguration. My hair is hiding my face and my sleeve is silencing the choked out sobs. I know, I know. It souonds like bullshit, but I’m trying to be honest to the only people who I know I’ll probably never meet in real life. It’s easier that way, so I’ll talk here.
But yeah. I’m a 15 year old child who fears for her future. I hear the name Obama and am filled with respect and admiration. At first, I laughed as if Trump being in office was a joke. But now it’s real, and the fear sets in. My friends are immigrants, some illegal. A good portion of them have already fled. My friends are afraid for their families. My teachers are afraid for their jobs. My mom is afraid for the economy. I’m afraid for the future of America. I’ve gotta go. Time to switch classes.
Do you ever just suddenly switch from wanting to kill youself to killing the ones who make your life a living hell? Even if its just for a split second. Well thats me right now. I want to just grab my pills, grind them up, and make everybody a smoothie. Maybe knock them out and press a pillow to their face for a few minutes. Either way, there is just so much rage and while I usually end up taking it out inyself or burying it, right now I just want to end them. I know this is a site for people to go for support and understanding on their suicidal thoughts and tendencies, and thats what I generally use it for too. Its just that sometimes you just have to say “Fuck it,” and be pissed off. Y’know?
They pretend to like me so that they can take embarrassing pictures or videos. They only include me ehen they benefit from it. I try so hard to be nice, even when I feel dead inside, like I could break down at a moment’s notice. I know they take advantage of me. I know that they are lying to me. I can see right through all of it, yet I still tell myself that we’re friends. How do you escape all the lies when your surrounded by them? I can’t even find solace in my own mind! Where do I go besides here? God damn lies…
Just about 10 minutes ago, I was extremely hyper for some reason. Anyways, i didnt think before leaping onto my bed. This would be generally okay if not for two things. First of all, my bed is old, creaky, and breaking. Secondly, i am fat as hell. So if you cant piece together what happened, I just come out with it.
A part of my bed broke off. I don’t know what to do. I tried fixing it myself but two of the nails are bent and I cant put it back right. While this was happening, my little sister decided to be a little ***** and keep walking in my room even after I told her not fo multiple times to take videos, which, knowing her, will be used to embarrass me in front of people when I’m finally comfortable around them. She’s also sent them to my mother.
I just texted my mom telling her that paet of my bed broke and I need her help when she gets home from work. I’m scared, though. She already blames me for everything that goes weonf in her life and will no doubt shove this in my face just to remind me how useless I am. She’s going to be so pissed when she gets home.
I’m freaking out inside and pissed at everything because fuck teenage horomones and my fucked up brain.
I’m sitting here curled up in a ball in the corner with Hollywood Undead blasting in my headphones because it does wonders in calming me down.
Why do I have to be such a fuck up? I never get anything right. I can’t even be around people because I’m so terrified of what will happen, yet the same thing happens at home. My sisters are always yelling at me for trying to get attention and trying to get people to feel sorry for me. My mother is constantly telling me how hard it is for people to be around me and how I always make people sad and angry just by being around them. And she’s right! I can hear them having a good time, so I try to join in. When I do, everything gets awkward and nothing goes right.
Why did I have to be born? Life would be so much better for everyone.
I found it. A place where i was actually happy. I hadnt even thought of suicide, or self harm in almost two weeks. But then as we were taking a walk they told me that they had been eagerly awaiting my sister since i got here – that they were excited for me to go back. That they were also dome with me. Afterward, i heard them upstairs talking shit whem they thought i couldnt here. I wonder if they have been doing this throughout the whole two weeks, or if i was finally hearing it now because now I know what they actually think of me.
I thought that they actually cared. I thought that maybe, just maybe I’d found some people who give a shit about me. Its amazing how fast you can go from being happy and having a good time to having to excuse yourself so just so that you can get away because you have to be alone. You just dont have it in you to put up the “happy go lucky” face anymore.
Well, at least they get to have my sister since they’re swapping us out the day after tomorrow. Jeez, I hate my life and I hate myself more. Why the fuck do people fuck with my emotions like this? I can’t think of anything. Amy advice? For anything? I just need a shit ton of help…
I’m not going to put my whole life story down. Nobody cares about that, anyways. I just want to head down into the basement and chug the bleach. Every day when I go to take my medication, I am always SO close to just grabbing a handful of my moms pills and my own and heading to bed. I hate myself and everyone else around me does, too. Why not just make it stop! I want it to end! The idea of no more experiencing or feeling or anything else that is just a normal part of life is okay with me. But I don’t stop it because I don’t want to make anybody feel sad because I’m gone. Funny, huh? I know that they hate me, yet some part of my brain is so desperate for love that I trick myself into thinking that I have it. Better yet, I can’t kill myself for the sake of the people that make me want to end it all in the first place. I’m sorry if you don’t like cussing, but life is too fucked up. Maybe one day I’ll actually have tge courage to take my own. Or maybe somebody else will do it for me.