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death on a sunday.

by sadboisoulja

i decided to just end my life this upcoming sunday. i mean why should i hold on and keep moving forward when i don’t even want to? i’m extremely drained. these voices and thoughts in my head have been getting louder. i don’t want to be here. since i was young i always wanted to die on my 18th birthday. my birthday was 2 months ago and i’m still here. why? this is truly pathetic. what the fuck am i still doing here. have i been holding onto false hope? doesn’t even matter anymore. i’m so lost and confused. i don’t know what to think. i really hate this shit. i just want to fade away from people’s memories and vanish. i want to be completely gone. i’m so sick. i want to die.

 

to the stars.

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2 comments

WhatIfImLate 1/27/2021 - 5:19 pm

I’ve had suicidal fantacyes since I was 7. I’m 23 now.
When I was in college (UK so that means ages 17/18/19)
I cried every day, I would have to duck into empty classrooms so that I didn’t brake down in the middle of the hall. I would get these feelings of complete despair and worthlessness. I would often feel like I wanted to stop existing, and have the universe forget that I ever was. I felt guilty of taking up physical volume in space and consuming oxygen.
In Uni I got these voices in my head that would bark at me, “kill your self” “I hate you” “your worthless”. I still get them sometimes and Ive learned that there just ticks, and Iv even managed to substitute them out for numbers, I think “1234” in stead of “I want to kill my self”, I even say it out lound sometimes which Is a little weard but beats the alternative.

I don’t know how you speak but how you describe resonates with me.
It sounds like you have had it worse then I ever had.

I want to say that I dont know you and we are strangers connected by TCP,
but please don’t go thorough with your plan. I which I would reach through your internet connection and hold you. I’m sure there are people near you who would want to do the same.

I always new that I couldn’t just dissolve into the universe, that I would leave a wake.
That If I did anything I would be hurting so many people.

I don’t believe I am one person, I think I’m a colony of thoughts and emotions gathered together in one skull, jostling for runtime. These feelings and thoughts come and go, and they are real and deep when they are hear but sooner or latter they are replaced by something else. That probably sounds insane haha.

sadboisoulja 1/30/2021 - 3:12 am

i really wish things weren’t like this. i’m hoping for the best for you.

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