i’ve been having a lot of sleepless nights lately. thoughts just keep racing through my mind. i really don’t understand any of this. i’ve been entertaining my darkest thoughts lately. i’ve really gotten tired. i deleted my social media. i’m just so sick of it. it’s been raining a lot lately. i like the rain. sometimes i go out and just lie on the ground and stare at the sky and just let the rain drops hit me. i’ve thought of cutting off two fingers on my left hand. i feel so ill. i mean what the fuck is going on with me. it’s like i can’t go a day without thinking about ways i could self harm. i’m being forced to take several pills everyday. it’s really annoying. i’m feeling very irritated and exhausted. really fucking pathetic. i’m really sorry i’m like this. i really can’t help it. i’m so horrible.
ever since i was young i always planned to end my life at the age of 18. it’s been months since i turned 18 and i’m still alive. i don’t know why. there really isn’t much to live for. things have been lonely for a long time, but maybe it’s better that way. humans as long as they live will always have an emptiness inside them that will never be filled. it’s really strange. one person’s happiness is built on the misfortune of others. i hate people. i hate myself. what right do i have to feel happy? i’m just a piece of shit. i really don’t want this shitty life. everyday i think about ways of harming myself. there’s been several times where i considered just grabbing a knife and stabbing my eye. sometimes i’ll just look at all the medicine and drugs in the drawers and i’ll just want to take it all. i get hallucinations everyday. i honestly don’t even know what’s real anymore. the more i dream the more real it feels and i just can’t tell the difference between a dream and reality anymore. i’m thoroughly exhausted. i just don’t feel scared anymore. i’m going to take my life very soon. i’m at a stage where nothing will change my mind. i want to be free. i want to be forgotten. i just can’t do this anymore.
i really feel so conflicted right now. part of me just wants to get this over with and not drag it out any longer and another part of me wants to live another week to see if life can get a little better in that short span. i really don’t know anymore. why am i holding onto false hope? every time i feel hopeful it just ends with a negative outcome. i’m so tired and drained. i really don’t know what to do anymore. i’m so lost.
i feel so conflicted about everything. this shit fucking sucks. it’d be nice if a meteor would come crashing into my room. why? why are things like this? happiness is just some stupid momentary concept and then we are all back to a fucking shitty depressing state. how pathetic. i really hate myself. my mind feels all over the place. it’s like i’m some piece of paper that’s been scribbled all over and torn apart. fucking weak. so self doubting. disgraceful. shameful. so conflicted. so alone. i can’t take this anymore. i cant even pretend like everything is okay anymore. it hurts. it hurts so much. i don’t even feel alive. it’s always the same cycle. fuck this. i want to end my life. i want to be free. i don’t want to be alone. but i know i’ll die a lonely pathetic death. and soon people’s memories of me will fade away. i’ll be forgotten. unmemorable. dead. i want my heart beat to be silent.
i decided to just end my life this upcoming sunday. i mean why should i hold on and keep moving forward when i don’t even want to? i’m extremely drained. these voices and thoughts in my head have been getting louder. i don’t want to be here. since i was young i always wanted to die on my 18th birthday. my birthday was 2 months ago and i’m still here. why? this is truly pathetic. what the fuck am i still doing here. have i been holding onto false hope? doesn’t even matter anymore. i’m so lost and confused. i don’t know what to think. i really hate this shit. i just want to fade away from people’s memories and vanish. i want to be completely gone. i’m so sick. i want to die.
to the stars.
i don’t think i can do this anymore. i’m tired. i’m going to sleep.
i’m honestly so tired of all this. whenever i get to feel a glimpse of light i always feel the shadows following me so i can never escape this dark hole i am in. this all fucking sucks. i was supposed to die last month on my 18th birthday but i’m still fucking here and i hate it. i don’t want to live anymore.
i cant take this anymore. i want this all to end. voices in my head get louder and louder. i don’t deserve to be here. i should just die. yeah, i think i’ll do that.