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hate

by thehusk

I dreamt a lot last night. It wasn’t pleasant (it rarely is.) I dreamt of doing terrible things. Or wanting to do them. Of being on the verge of doing them.

And I dreamt of figures from my past, in new contexts. But I felt their disdain for me, and knew it was well earned. That they despised me, and were not wrong to do so. I had pretended to be someone else, and my true worthlessness had been revealed.

I don’t know at what point I became worthy of such disdain. I feel it was long before my worst acts. Maybe my personality was always shameful. I was always shy, quiet, held myself apart from others. Perhaps I gave the sense that I thought I was superior. Perhaps I did think that.

I couldn’t take a joke, or teasing – I was hypersensitive. I didn’t understand what was going on. I remember being very scared, and that feeling never left. I felt out of place, and I didn’t know how to adapt to my new environment. And rather than looking outward and learning, I turned inwards and hid. I don’t know how much responsibility you can put on a 9 year old’s shoulders for that. But I chose cowardice, and every year that followed I doubled down on that choice. So I can’t blame others for identifying that, and not liking it. I don’t think hitting or spitting is acceptable regardless, but I can’t claim that they were wrong to despise me.

But still, I carry the anger from that, the hatred. 25 years on. Emotionally, I’m still that cowardly child. Possibly it’s some kind of wounded narcissism. I hate people for revealing my own weakness. I hate others, and I hate myself.

Sometimes I wish I’d stuck with therapy, and found some way to transcend the injured infant inside. But I couldn’t let go of my addictions. I didn’t have enough hope of anything better to see me through. I need my sickness – it’s all I have.

I want the pain of this to stop, but simultaneously I can’t stop inflicting it on myself. I don’t know how to stop hating myself, because there is no future version of myself that I don’t hate.

 

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15 comments

Sbilko 1/10/2021 - 3:22 pm

Please forgive yourself, and try to find peace in your being. Dreams are the images that our subconscious brings forth; I am really sorry how troubled your subconscious is, please do try to find peace. While in a dream your subconscious brought forth your nightmare (that you did bad actions and people didn’t forgive you), in reality people are almost always forgiving to a repentant person.

I’m sorry if I misunderstood, but you didn’t actually wrong the people, but only did so inside your dreams? Please do forgive yourself, and forgive others, ask for forgiveness for what troubles you. We love you! ^^,

thehusk 1/10/2021 - 5:04 pm

I have wronged others in real life, in a round about way. Not to the extent of my dreams, but related. I don’t feel I can forgive myself when others would not, and when I’m still essentially the same person I was then. What I was going to do in the dream was what that part of me longs to do. It’s still there, below the surface.

Sbilko 1/10/2021 - 9:07 pm

You have a wonderful heart, and you wish that actions were better, this is wonderful of you! ^^, Please, do try to start not by hitting yourself in the head over your past mistakes, which everyone has, but rather seeing how one can learn from one’s mistakes. I, for example, since I was a teen, got into the habit of wanting to not repeat my mistakes. Of course, I keep repeating many, improvement is slow and steady.

Yeah, there’s also the thing that when we see the other person, we judge harshly, “why do you do this thing / why do you keep doing it / etc.” But when the question is reversed into “why don’t *you* do in yourself an improvement of such high level” or similar, then the answer is silence; and the reason is because changing oneself is not easy, but it brings great benefits.

Please, do forgive them for judging you more harshly than they judge themselves, it’s only human to err. I have faith in you, for you are human, for you are stronger than you think you are, wiser, more loving, more meaningful, and more loved than you think you are. Please do know that we love you and have hope and faith in you, of all the goodness, kindness, strength, and infinite potential in you ^^,

Emmerson79 1/10/2021 - 5:14 pm

@Thehusk re: I don’t know how to stop hating myself, because there is no future version of myself that I don’t hate.

You are so extremely talented in how you convey your emotions through words. I feel your pain and experience/d what you do to some extent already in the little I know of you as we have not met personally to my knowledge. Know in your heart there is much love. How can someone not love you for being able to express such passionate feelings? You if not already, are on the path of an esoteric empath+. Much respect in recognizing these qualities which can only help others and bring love unimaginable. You are a seer, a seed of thought.

The bullies, the name callers, the spitters, and slappers will one day see through your eyes. Perhaps within their own dreams. If not there, amongst those monkeys in their brains.

Sbilko 1/11/2021 - 4:48 am

Please, people, do consider the pain and daily suffering that each of you is going through; one’s own is enough, not needing further pain. It’s okay, being uncertain is human. Please, instead, do help one another with your pains.

Abandoned 1/11/2021 - 7:07 am

Admin I know you’ve been reading this, I know you’ve been deleting things. I have report this person multiple times. Why am I still putting up with this? I’ve tried handling it approperiatly MANY MANY times and now I’m putting with this. This is a fucking suicide site. I’m suicidal. Why are you letting them treat people this way? Are you trying to get people killed because that’s all this kind of behavior is going to do.

thehusk 1/11/2021 - 10:59 am

Didn’t see what they said, but whatever it was I wouldn’t take it too personally. There’s clearly mental health stuff going on, and when people clash maybe some hold irrational grudges. Internet drama is the lamest kind of drama. Remember they don’t know you, or anything real about you. The person they’re being mean to is not you, it’s an imaginary idea they’re projecting onto something you’ve written.

Abandoned 1/11/2021 - 11:46 am

hugs.

actually they had said something mean about you after preaching to me about being nice and stuff. its not that im not nice, i just dont put up with bs. anyway then they said something mean to me which is where that ^ comment came from.

unless admin did ban them so they cant comment, i wonder if it occurred to them that leaving that up could just provoke them more?

thehusk 1/11/2021 - 12:23 pm

Ah, well I can’t pretend I don’t deserve it. It’s interesting though, their opinion seems to be all over the place (I believe they said something nice on my last post.) So I’m guessing it’s stuff going on with them.
Yes, ‘not putting up with bs’ is the sense I have of you 😉

Abandoned 1/11/2021 - 12:32 pm

i personally dont feel that you did.

however you are right. i figured it might be something like that so i tried several times to give them the chance to explain but they have yet to answer any of those questions. problem or not one can only put up with so much and they have crossed that line by many kilometers.

thehusk 1/11/2021 - 12:51 pm

I suppose they might not be in a consistent/lucid state of mind. Though obviously if they’ve been severely harassing you then it’s best they not be on here.

Abandoned 1/11/2021 - 1:21 pm

a bad day can only go so far

thanks for understanding all this. sometimes it feels like everyones against you even though you didnt do anything wrong

thehusk 1/11/2021 - 2:40 pm

No worries, I know the feeling.

Hazy Day Sunflower 1/11/2021 - 9:37 pm

I dreamed the moon fell to earth and I watched as I died. I die in my dreams on a regular basis. Wake up with panic that lasts days.

Therapy is for the young. I’m OAF, I’m therapied out. I just keep walking forward and dying occasionally in my dreams. It is utter bullshit that if you die in your dreams you die in real life.

theo 1/22/2021 - 11:55 pm

I hope you’re doing okay.

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