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How Do I Not Feel Like a Piece of Sh*t?

by eternaldarkness

I hate my life.
I hate who I am.
I hate how I’ve wasted so many years of my life.
I hate that I’m too afraid to do anything.
I hate that I’m not really good at much at anything.

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8 comments

fxd45tsp 1/13/2021 - 9:00 pm

Well I was going to say welcome to the club and this website eternaldarkness. But after clicking on your name and seeing that your posts are multiples (and have been a member much longer than me), I feel quite awkward. I guess welcome to the site me instead.

Just finished looking at a documentary called “The Monopoly On Violence”. It discusses statism and freedom (amongst other things). I am a strong proponent of freedom from the state. But I came to the realization that if full freedom was given a.k.a anarchy (no central authority) then I would have died a long time ago in the streets. Would have never reached my current age. Because, just like you, I have no real skill or passion in anything. And no will to correct or even at least improve. A lot of speakers, you can see they are passionate, they have skills, they have a purpose, they are going somewhere with success, and they will be remembered throughout history. So even the beliefs I hold dear (freedom, free markets, capitalism, etc) are in complete opposite to my physical person. I am a living contradiction. I am wondering: maybe suicide is natural selection? Maybe the meaning of my life is to serve as a warning for others. I know I have heard that from somewhere else…

eternaldarkness 1/14/2021 - 12:50 pm

Yes, it’s the lack of will that is the problem. I don’t care to live, yet cannot pull the trigger, so to speak.

I am not even trying to better my life at this point. I am not doing anything to help myself, other than mope and cry and be depressed and do nothing. I feel like a useless lump of coal…

fxd45tsp 1/14/2021 - 5:29 pm

Bought a second vehicle about 4 years ago and A LOT of things to install in it. Well, still not completed. No will to complete it. Reality sunk in, another project I started but will not complete. What a waste of cash. It is kind of a self worsening loop. Get depressed, look at unfinished project, get more depress, rinse and repeat. I know myself now. The only projects I can finish are those in the range of: cleaning my apartment, taking a shower, doing laundry, getting up in the morning and going to work, eating, sleeping, watching online documentaries, those kind of short projects. Anything else (lasting more than a few hours), way out of my league. I would like to say I am a mediocre individual. But even that would be an insult to mediocre peoples. So to answer my own inquiry, I decided to complete a quick search on the Internet and found the following ladder of adjectives in order:

Abysmal, Awful, Bad, Poor, Mediocre, Fair, Good, Great, Excellent, Amazing, Phenomenal.

Abysmal. Now that is a word I will remember.

eternaldarkness 1/17/2021 - 2:24 pm

Well, you can always change your handle to Abysmal here on SP instead of fxd45tsp.

I like your dry humour. Well, at least you’re ‘mediocre.’ I can’t even manage to clean my house or go to work, so you’re ahead there.

fxd45tsp 1/21/2021 - 2:46 pm

Changing my name to Abysmal, that would require effort. And that would depress me even more, knowing I could not muster the energy to do so. Just… too… depressing… But I know deep down, it would actually be appropriate.

Well, even in what I do, I massively procrastinate, until I have no other choice. For example, I only clean my apartment when I cannot take a few steps without accidentally kicking a lot of dust bunnies around (a few are OK though). Or when the mold that has grown under the toilet seat actually takes over the top. So if I am ahead, I am not ahead by very much.

As for my dry humor, I just hope I do not drive anyone from this site to the thinkable (known as unthinkable by non-depressed people). I would feel really bad about that.

Kinda nice though. I can do jokes on this site without being judged or banned (yet). I shudder of thinking about displaying my humor on any other website than this one.

Once 1/14/2021 - 1:40 am

They say to be grateful for the little things. I am grateful each day to have one day less. Man, that’s backwards, but that’s how it is.

eternaldarkness 1/14/2021 - 12:47 pm

Wow, that’s something new I haven’t heard before. Interesting twist on gratefulness O_o.

fxd45tsp 1/14/2021 - 5:14 pm

I second that. So true. Maybe you do not want to mention this to anyone in the street. They might catch-on to your deeper self. Or they will flee in panic. Either way, not good.

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