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Terrified

by heartlessviking

Interesting to me how anticipation and fear are essentially the same emotion; terror. Notably artist Andy Warhol of Campbell’s  Tomato Soup painting fame was considered a “holy terror” by his contemporaries. He outraged, everybody was on pins and needles to see what he might do next.

I digress because even writing about this hurts. For two weeks I have known about what is coming in the morning, a scant eleven hours from when I write this; someone important is coming into town; my four up boss. Explaining – I have a supervisor, who gets the final word about what I do. Her supervisor directs the entire county we work in. The person her supervisor is supervised by is the one I meet tomorrow. The meeting is about the county director. Okay, not officially, but the rumor mill indicates so, however reliable that might be.

Let me clarify; up to now my largest problem has been our county director. She changes signals with the wind, and even when she intends to be kind comes off abrasive. I have been certain for the last four months (which is my entire tenure in this department) that if I lost my job, it would be due to this person and not due to my actual competence. Half of the team that was there when I was hired are gone now, and every one of them has implicated the county director in their departure.

Just so you understand my position in the totem pole; There is no one lower status in our organization. They can fire me because they dislike me for another eight months. Further, multiple superiors have indicated to me that I may have some sort of advancement potential, which I put on the line tomorrow when I speak my mind to the big boss.

On the other hand, I came this close to killing myself this prior wednesday. I’m not telling anyone I work with about it, but it was because I felt humiliated, frustrated, impotent in my career. In the end I decided that if this meeting does not go well, I’ll be transferring elsewhere at my earliest oppertunity. Hence, my desire to protect my career, yet somehow in this mess I have to find comfort, calm. I don’t know where it is. The only comfort I have is that tomorrow will end as well, and in 24 hours this will be behind me.

6 comments
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6 comments

postal 1/25/2021 - 12:55 am

Best of luck to you, I admire your bravery. 🙂 Try rehearsing and whatever else

and don’t be too hard on yourself if this isn’t your fate. She sounds like a nightmare, and you aren’t a babysitter. You need fulfillment—

postal 1/25/2021 - 12:59 am

andy warhol was kind of a prick 😡

postal 1/25/2021 - 12:59 am

: x *

Yoges 1/25/2021 - 12:57 pm

Hope you sailed through. Good luck !

mountaingoat 1/25/2021 - 3:49 pm

How’d things go?

heartlessviking 1/25/2021 - 9:51 pm

I’m still processing; I talked for an hour, the head boss expressed an interest in fixing things, but I’ll believe it when I see it. I’ve taken to drinking at this point, which is my stopgap. The longer term goal is to transfer out…. which might work, might not. Accept you’re doomed going in…. maybe salvation will come, if so great, else; you prepare for shit to get worse.

I’ve decided where my line is; a month out from now if I lack a better exit strategy, I’ll quit and rethink my career options. Don’t follow your passion kids, follow something mindless that makes reasonable money, passion will eat you from the inside out.

things going well is for fiction. the rest of us live in this travesty and tragedy, and make the best of it. if that seems a futile and pointless activity, I think you’re starting to catch on to what is really going on.

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