Interesting to me how anticipation and fear are essentially the same emotion; terror. Notably artist Andy Warhol of Campbell’s Tomato Soup painting fame was considered a “holy terror” by his contemporaries. He outraged, everybody was on pins and needles to see what he might do next.
I digress because even writing about this hurts. For two weeks I have known about what is coming in the morning, a scant eleven hours from when I write this; someone important is coming into town; my four up boss. Explaining – I have a supervisor, who gets the final word about what I do. Her supervisor directs the entire county we work in. The person her supervisor is supervised by is the one I meet tomorrow. The meeting is about the county director. Okay, not officially, but the rumor mill indicates so, however reliable that might be.
Let me clarify; up to now my largest problem has been our county director. She changes signals with the wind, and even when she intends to be kind comes off abrasive. I have been certain for the last four months (which is my entire tenure in this department) that if I lost my job, it would be due to this person and not due to my actual competence. Half of the team that was there when I was hired are gone now, and every one of them has implicated the county director in their departure.
Just so you understand my position in the totem pole; There is no one lower status in our organization. They can fire me because they dislike me for another eight months. Further, multiple superiors have indicated to me that I may have some sort of advancement potential, which I put on the line tomorrow when I speak my mind to the big boss.
On the other hand, I came this close to killing myself this prior wednesday. I’m not telling anyone I work with about it, but it was because I felt humiliated, frustrated, impotent in my career. In the end I decided that if this meeting does not go well, I’ll be transferring elsewhere at my earliest oppertunity. Hence, my desire to protect my career, yet somehow in this mess I have to find comfort, calm. I don’t know where it is. The only comfort I have is that tomorrow will end as well, and in 24 hours this will be behind me.