I passed the tests my employer set, thus I get to continue doing the job I was hired for…. I’m empty.. had a long talk with the suicide lifeline people, and it fundamentally comes down to believing this or not;
people have innate value.
I think that’s the big joke, that we even pretend that’s true. In my state this month alone hundreds of preventable deaths, my governor says thoughts and prayers. So why are they asking me to stick around on this planet? I’d just be one more of thousands who covid finished off.
I had to drive an hour out, and an hour back to do a small task at work. The work bit isn’t important. It was raining, gray, and desolate. As I drove I kept having the same thought come to the front of my mind; “That’s a pretty big/sturdy tree, I bet it could hold my weight.” Like, you get where that’s going. I came this close to going to the store and buying some rope to practice my knots.
And the lady on the line, sweet lady, probably deserves better than to hear me hem and haw about wanting to die; “You love other people, therefor they have value”…. which makes no sense to me. I love other people because they are there. I love them so that when they spit in my face they are the assholes. As long as I give others no reason to treat me as poorly as they do, it is a reflection of their lack of character. It’s not like they have value, or I do, or any person does. It isn’t like we’re businesses, or job creating billionaires, right? You know the top 5% in our country doubled their wealth in the last year. You get that the trillions of stimulus was stolen by some rich jerks, that’s understood I hope.
So go ahead, tell me how people have value. I’d love for that to be true. It’s a glorious fantasy. It remains just that, a feeble fantasy for those too weak to accept that they are but dust in the wind, meaningless before, meaningless now, and meaningless evermore.