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by heartlessviking

I passed the tests my employer set, thus I get to continue doing the job I was hired for…. I’m empty.. had a long talk with the suicide lifeline people, and it fundamentally comes down to believing this or not;

people have innate value.
I think that’s the big joke, that we even pretend that’s true. In my state this month alone hundreds of preventable deaths, my governor says thoughts and prayers. So why are they asking me to stick around on this planet? I’d just be one more of thousands who covid finished off.

I had to drive an hour out, and an hour back to do a small task at work. The work bit isn’t important. It was raining, gray, and desolate. As I drove I kept having the same thought come to the front of my mind; “That’s a pretty big/sturdy tree, I bet it could hold my weight.” Like, you get where that’s going. I came this close to going to the store and buying some rope to practice my knots.

And the lady on the line, sweet lady, probably deserves better than to hear me hem and haw about wanting to die; “You love other people, therefor they have value”…. which makes no sense to me. I love other people because they are there. I love them so that when they spit in my face they are the assholes. As long as I give others no reason to treat me as poorly as they do, it is a reflection of their lack of character. It’s not like they have value, or I do, or any person does. It isn’t like we’re businesses, or job creating billionaires, right? You know the top 5% in our country doubled their wealth in the last year. You get that the trillions of stimulus was stolen by some rich jerks, that’s understood I hope.

So go ahead, tell me how people have value. I’d love for that to be true. It’s a glorious fantasy. It remains just that, a feeble fantasy for those too weak to accept that they are but dust in the wind, meaningless before, meaningless now, and meaningless evermore.


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Virus.Found 1/21/2021 - 11:01 am

I loved to read this, it puts everything into the right set of tone.! Sad, to see a tree, which should be the icon of life and growth and then seeing something completely twisted with our sick minds. I’m proud, that you’ve called a hotline. I’d never be ballsy enough to do that. I think that people can really make it worse by saying something stupid, when you’re at the verge of just ending it all. So she basically said, everything that you love, holds value. So yeah, we do love our smartphones don’t we.? Perfect, just perfect… This world is f@cked, pardon my French. Love, what you’ve said about that lack of character, it’s really true 🙂 So yeah.. here’s to another day of surviving in this greedy hellhole.!

fxd45tsp 1/21/2021 - 3:55 pm

If you ask anyone why they live, they will say something like I have a wife, kids, job, etc. All these they actually acquired because they are looking for a reason to live. In reality, the only reason they have for existing is because a man and a woman did it. There is no godly grandiose reason for living. It just goes against our basic natural programming for survival to not want to die. Until we use our brain and actually realize life is pointless. Or at least, that is my conclusion. And this realization is just too horrible for anyone to live with. The brutal, unacceptable truth.

As for the lady on the suicide line, if a homeless man does not have family and is not loved by anyone, I guess he has absolutely no value? Seems harsh to me. Who am I to judge the value of another human being? Especially knowing myself.

If I suddenly died, would this world be better off? I think so. I am a useless eater (yep I admit it). And as for my job, I can be replaced (no one is irreplaceable). As for my family, they did not choose me (because if they had a choice they would not have chosen a depressive individual). They just got stuck with me through some biological/family connection. So really, when I disappear, all for the better. One less mouth to feed. When the Grim Reaper comes for me, I will ask “What took you so long bud?”.

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