A large amount of my issues have to do with ADHD and the combined effects of that, depression and anxiety. That’s as external as I can get; nothing I did wired my brain chemistry like this. I still feel like I should be doing better. I lost my wallet, and there remains a rational island in my mind that says it doesn’t matter, but it’s breaking me slowly but surely.
This whole year so far has been the end stages of the bargaining and beginning of trying to accept. I don’t belong, never have and never will. I really need to find a way to stop trying. Because the insanity of trying over and over and failing is hurting me more than the relative poverty if I was allowed to stop trying. I’m not allowed to stop trying, FYI, because my ex wife still holds part of the house in which my entire life savings is equity. Oh, and my current wife has 9 months left in her schooling. So, we can’t move until this time next year, and that’s assuming several major miracles that I have been conditioned to consider unlikely.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, or where I’m supposed to go. Sometimes I feel so damn trapped… and I am, but feeling that way isn’t helping anything.