today was strange. i don’t have much to write other than these few things.
the assignments keep stacking. i feel like i can barely keep my head above the surface, i’m treading water. i’m hanging by a thread.
i took a walk with my ex today (we’re still very close friends because of the nature of our breakup, neither of us wanted to, but he needed to work on himself and he was ignoring his problems). it was nice, but it felt wrong. it feels wrong not to hold his hand, lean against him, rest my head on his shoulder. i really hope we can get back together at some point… i really do love him. the thing that stabbed me a bit is that he said “I’m learning not to get in relationships with people I want to keep as friends” which i understand to an extent, but i didn’t leave, did i? i’m still here, present in your life. it’s selfish of me, i know. he just made me feel so safe. so protected. so loved. he is of the rare two people who were not abusive. it just hurts. it’s hard to just be his friend because i have such intense feelings for him.