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What am I looking to obtain from this?

by Abnormal.Thoughts

My current mental state has me on the verge of messaging the crisis text line again. I wonder what exactly I expect them to do. I can pour out my thoughts and feelings, but what is the solution to this debilitating condition? That’s rhetorical, I know all the answers and nothing has worked, so why bother.

If there is anything that might help me, maybe it’s meds or some real therapy, but those didn’t work in the past so I’m just being optimistic, and neither are easy enough access for me to care to figure out.

I want to die so badly but the world seems insistent on tying strings of responsibility around my neck that prevent me from having what I want.

It’s hopeless. I’ll just continue trudging through life in a blur of unfocused attention.
Looking but not seeing.
Hearing but not listening.
Everything around me is so distant.

9 comments
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9 comments

Azzam 2/23/2021 - 9:03 am

I’m new to this website, so honestly, i don’t know if we can actually discuss this (by having you reply to my comment). But i’m happy to have other people that have suicidal thoughts too, because then we can discuss this together. It’s not an open topic in society, after all.

But anyway, i would like to listen your story further, why are you considering suicide? What make you think like that? I’m not gonna be that guy that just easily says “There’s still Hope”, because i’m also suicidal (i already made a thread on that topic).

I’m just genuinely curious and wants to bring this topic further and talks with others about this topic, because like what i have said. This is not an open topic in society

I would love it if you could reply to my comment, bringing this discussion further the “why” And the circumstances, thanks

Abnormal.Thoughts 2/23/2021 - 10:20 am

I wish I had some elaborate story of hardships that have brought me here, unfortunately I just snapped for no particular reason. I was suicidal in the past as well, and I thought I was beyond that, but I was proven wrong, and I’ve been back in this confusing void for over a year now.
I have no idea what I want and there is nothing I really need. If it were that simple maybe I could find a way out.
I do hope that you have a way out.

Abnormal.Thoughts 2/23/2021 - 9:03 am

I’m trying to put this into words somehow and failing. Driving is scary when the cars around you are just a blur. It’s not that o can’t see, it’s more like my brain is too busy doing some other thing to process the images clearly. It’s not registering. I need to focus. This is making my life very difficult. Not just driving, that’s just an example.

Rainwatch 2/23/2021 - 10:48 am

I rang the Samaritans once and a strong English accent answered which put me right off coz I was ringing from Ireland, ” the counsellor” or whoever it was on the other end of the line was full of shit, speaking like a politician, an answer for everything but nothing that would work in the real world so I hung up, Therapy was the exact same for me, it just wouldnt work in the real world, meds are dangerous drugs which bring additional problems that didnt exist b4 you went on them. Unfortunately the reality of the situation is therapy is a business which sometimes acts in conjunction with ******, thats why they’re so enthusiastic about prescribing these drugs. I have never met one person, not one, who benefitted from therapy so at least I can take comfort in the fact its not only me.

Abnormal.Thoughts 2/24/2021 - 8:45 am

Thanks for the encouraging message. Lol. But I do appreciate the honesty, really. The thought of therapy sounds nice, but my past experience with therapy hasn’t been great either so I’m probably just viewing it with rose colored glasses. Drugs have never had any effect on me, I didn’t have good or bad reactions to them. I do know a few people who had very bad reactions, and some people think they help. Did you know that antidepressants in studies typically show about the same effectiveness as the placebo? And in some studies the placebo works better longer. So that should make you want to try them.

deathbychocolate 2/23/2021 - 11:16 pm

Perhaps what you seek is meaningful connection. <3

Abnormal.Thoughts 2/24/2021 - 8:49 am

Maybe. I mean it sounds nice to be open and honest and just be myself, but in doing that I would lose those 2 people that are close to the person I present now because they all get freaked out and run away. The more I think about this, I’m pretty socially awkward. Lol. And I’m not sure a crisis text responder would count as meaningful connection.

Mf 2/24/2021 - 4:13 am

I can highly relate to that feeling of everything being distant, i think i’ve only stopped feeling that a few times in my life (and i kinda wish those didn’t happen). In my case i’m pretty sure it’s a defense mechanism that i can’t shake off (not that i want to, since it’s not full on depersonalization), but i know it’s different for everyone.

The fact that you don’t know what brought you back to this and that it’s been going for over a year… yeah, you might want to try to look for therapy, in my case that did help to arrange my thoughts back in the day. That might or might not work for you, but it’s worth a shot i’d say, since you already came out of it once you likely could do it again.

Abnormal.Thoughts 2/24/2021 - 9:05 am

I’m almost certain it’s some kind of ridiculous defense mechanism, if you figure out what it’s protecting you from, let me know, because driving and working seem pretty important to focus on. (Insert emoji that won’t work)
I do have some shit stories of the past that I’m sure lend to my fucked up mentality but it just doesn’t seem like any of those lend to why I’m back here. Of the 5 or so therapists I’ve seen in the past, only one was ever able to drag up those stories, and frankly, I was better off ignoring them, once I couldn’t ignore them anymore, acknowledging it just dismantled other parts of me. But they

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