I really want to drink tonight. I am 24, alcoholic. I am a shipwreck. Don’t have alcohol. No means that will allows me a reasonable certainty not to wake up tomorrow. I have bad anxiety and ending up in a hospital which would be worse than everything. I don’t even know what I want. Just not having any of these thoughts I guess. The ones telling me what a worthless crazy piece of shit. Flashbacks hurt so much. Knowing that even how hard I try my mother will continue to grasp any power she has on me to make me feel guilt for being her greatest disappointment, mindgames, gaslighting, for the rape because 6 yrs old me didn’t say no, for everything. Knowing that I have to do paperwork but it could compromise my new firstname, my very identity. I was glad that in all those years she “played dolls with me” ( her words not mine ) she didn’t understand I was not her girl. She is going to do so much damage if she learns who I am. I tried to own my life for a year. I feel like I am failing. I feel like it is pointless. I am so afraid. There are so many things worse than death.