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Bottle in the ocean

by maybe

I really want to drink tonight. I am 24,  alcoholic. I am a shipwreck. Don’t have alcohol. No means that will allows me a reasonable certainty not to wake up tomorrow. I have bad anxiety and ending up in a hospital which would be worse than everything. I don’t even know what I want. Just not having any of these thoughts I guess. The ones telling me what a worthless crazy piece of shit. Flashbacks hurt so much. Knowing that even how hard I try my mother will continue to grasp any power she has on me to make me feel guilt for being her greatest disappointment, mindgames, gaslighting, for the rape because 6 yrs old me didn’t say no, for everything. Knowing that I have to do paperwork but it could compromise my new firstname, my very identity. I was glad that in all those years she “played dolls with me” ( her words not mine ) she didn’t understand I was not her girl.  She is going to do so much damage if she learns who I am. I tried to own my life for a year. I feel like I am failing. I feel like it is pointless. I am so afraid. There are so many things worse than death.

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mountaingoat 3/2/2021 - 6:52 pm

I was a severe alcoholic for 12 years until I did a flood dose of ibogaineHCL.

It’s been over 6 years of struggle free sobriety now since then.

If I could have found out about ibogaine when I was your age I would have missed an entire universe of suffering. As it is, it was too late to salvage a life, but hey, at least I didn’t drink myself into death or jail, which is what would have happened.

skyler12 3/2/2021 - 8:16 pm

it sounds like you have a barrel full of anxieties ready to pull you in. one thing i’m sure you know if you’re an alcoholic is that alcohol exaggerates our most negative thoughts. how long have you been without alcohol? can you do 1 full month? because that’s when my flashbacks started losing their power over me. life still sucks but if you chip away at 1 problem at a time then you can make life not suck as bad.

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